And if Cupid's got a gun, then he's shootin'

A girl you prepare breakfast with, listen to the rain with, and sit in car parks with talking about plans, happiness and philosophy.

Totally Sweet Advice. PART FOUR

1. Spend less time impressing others and more time impressing yourself! You'll find others are more impressed by this anyway!

2. Racism is not cool. No. It's really not... and it's not like fashion where it MAY come in again. It's out for good. Don't be a racist, you pig!

3. Sex is never like the movies you watch/novels you read. It's potentially awkward/embarrassing and just plain confusing. So just stress less about it and have fun. But not too much fun you filthy slutz!

4. As much as they like to think they are, adults are NOT always right. Heck, I swear I know more/am wiser than most of the adults I surround myself with. So, don't listen to them if you feel they're handing out wrong advice.

5. If you don't drink coffee, good for you. Don't try it because you WILL become a serial coffee consumer and that HAS to be bad for your health. Right?!

6. Dissing other people's religions every chance you get (or even at all) is just way old. Sure, they might seem ludacris to you and everything, but you probably sound the same to other people. It's a touchy subject. Don't talk about it if you can't agree to disagree about it! Be mature, duh. Plus, you just DON'T KNOW who's right. You don't, and that's the beauty and the ugliness of it.

7. Some people get along and some people don't! You don't have to try and get along with every single person you encounter. Nor should you feel bad if you just don't feel you're connecting with somebody and all your mates are. Just recognise that this doesn't make them, or you a lesser person. You just don't mesh. End of.

8. You hardly ever look as stupid as you feel, so just go for it. Go all out!

9. If you are running late, don't shake it off and take your time and be even later! It's completely irresponsible and people have to wait for you! It's just plain rude and you're wasting other people's valuable time and energy. If you can't help but be late every ONCE IN A WHILE, make sure you call ahead and let them know. Then when you do arrive, apologise for christ's sake! Or, just don't be late!

10. Do not go grocery shopping on an empty stomach! You'll buy way more food than you need and will later feel obliged to eat it! Then you'll fel guilty and/or gain weight. Trust me!

Out With The Old, In With The New.

Dear Current Kaytie (as of February 28, 2011 at 10:19 AM),


I'm sorry but I cannot go on like this. I've had enough of you. Of us. I must end this damaging relationship with you, even if it kills me. I wish to never, ever see you again.


All you seem to do is bring me down. I hate you. I hate who you are and who you've become and I hate where you're headed. So, I'm giving you the flick. There's someone else. And, I know they're so similar to you and right now they're far away, but I find comfort in knowing they will be here soon if I just try hard enough. I will work hard for them. New and improved. Out with the old and in with the new.


I mean, this thing you do where you eat carbs. What is that? You think with your medications and illnesses and everything else going on in your life that if you eat the way you do you won't get fat(er)?! Seriously. I would say you must be insane, but we already know that you are. Stop. Just stop that. The New Kaytie is going to look nothing like you. You know why? Because New Kaytie doesn't eat carbs. New Kaytie doesn't really eat anything. But hey, that's the price you've got to pay when you're as mentally unstable as she is and as drug infected as her insides. What she loses in consumption, she makes up for with Pride.
Pride. Now there's a word you (Current Kaytie), haven't heard much of.


Your life involves disappointment, insecurities, calories, depression, pills, dependency, worry, stress, lies, voids and secrets. It's no way to live.
I mean, sure. It may have been fun for a little while, and hell, you learnt A LOT. But you can't go on like this.
I hate you... but then again, I don't and I never will, because you've played such a big role in my life. I've learnt a lot from you, but the pain you're causing is just all too much for me right now. I suppose I'm sorry to leave you in the dark like this. I know I'm all you had and survived on, but maybe we're better off without eachother...


I hope you understand that although I'm leaving you because you're too much trouble for me, that I do understand. I really do.


Your life's been hard and you've been dealt horrendous cards. Your so-called family are nowhere to be seen and you're on your own. You always have been. But, instead of trusting yourself and gaining confidence and respect for yourself out of your independency, you've doubted who you are and lost all confidence and respect for yourself. The New Kaytie is proud, confident and respectable because of having to learn to look after herself.


You've been dictated by your illnesses, by the people who are supposed to 'look after you', fueled by your much hated pills and lies. It sucks, and you've ended up feeling worthless and dead. But New Kaytie wants to learn to move on from this, and take what she's learnt to teach herself and others. Because, you have learnt so much more than you give yourself credit for. You know so much. How could you not?


I know you have never felt like you belonged and fitted in amongst the others, and that's because you haven't and probably never will. You've seen too much. You know too much. You weren't even bred to be like everybody else. But this is something you repel instead of embrace. The New Kaytie embraces her differences and inability to be completely understood. 


And this thing you do. You know, where you push others away and are extremely insecure and won't let anyone in and you keep secrets and you take everything the wrong way, and you test people. I know that all your life you've been made to feel like you're not worth it, that everyone you let in and trusted has hurt you, that you've been alone and no one has really shown you proper love and been worthy of your complete trust. But this New Kaytie is learning to trust again, to try and allow herself to open up and love people. To not take everything so personally and be so goddamn insecure. Because, she is in the process of learning that no two people are the same. And maybe, just maybe she can be loved, properly. That maybe, not everyone dislikes her. That some people really would never say something badly of her, or bring her down. Because they believe she's great and worthy of good things. That they're here to help. Maybe even here to stay for a long, long time. Maybe they're the kind of people who she's read about, or seen in the streets, or heard about from happy people. Maybe they're the happy givers, bringing happiness to her, if only she learns to trust them and believe what they have to say is real and coming from their hearts.


I really do understand why you're such a mess, but the mess has gotten too messy. The New Kaytie will clean your mess right up. She contains mess too, but the nice mess. The mess that makes her so great. The mess that is apart of the greatness she is capable of becoming.
That's the kind of mess I need. Not your big, fat, ugly mess.


I need someone who will support me, make me feel worthy, who is fun and playful and confident but also witty and intelligent and honest. I need someone like this New Kaytie.
She is what I need. What my friends need. What strangers need to feel refreshed. And what my boyfriend deserves.
I can't wait until she arrives.


She doesn't talk too much or reveal too much. The mystery is still there (which I should reveal I will miss about you), but it's different. It's a healthier mystery.


She very rarely swears. Only when she hurts herself badly, or she's really, really mad. But when she's mad, she barely loses herself. She breathes and conducts herself and listens and talks openly. She faces her issues and deals with them honestly. Until they're resolved. But, it won't matter so much too, because she rarely does find herself arguing these days.


New Kaytie is learning to not be so defensive and insecure. To focus more on the good of what people have to say, than the bad. And if something SOUNDS bad, but she's not entirely sure, instead of just ASSUMING it IS bad, she'll ask. Or let it go. And because this New Kaytie is so much better than you, she will very rarely hear bad things said about her anyway.


The vibes she throws are always good, but not forced or fake. Just, people enjoy being in her presence. I'm sure it has something to do with her new-found confidence. She smiles at strangers and when someone in the streets says "Hi", or smiles, or gives her a compliment (as long as it's not sleazy), she doesn't just keep walking or force a smile. Even if she would never associate herself with the people who have smiled or spoken to her, and even though she has a boyfriend, she still embraces their efforts and makes them know she appreciates their kindness.


"Fake it until you make it", is something we all know works. New Kaytie is taking advantage of this and portraying confidence and happiness. She's aware of the thin lines between confidence and cockiness, and happiness and fakeness... she's aware. No cockiness and no forced/fake happiness will occur. She'll just be easy-going and fun to be around. Confident people - faked or not - are always more beautiful and alluring anyway. She'll give off the illusion she's beautiful, which for now is as good as any, as she's working on the beauty thing (see three down). Oh, and she never walks with her arms folded because this screams "INSECURE". Maybe she'll never make it, and she'll never have real confidence and/or happiness. But, if she can fool everyone else into believing these things, maybe that'll be enough. Maybe she'll start to believe it, if only for a little while. And, New Kaytie is okay with that. Pretend Happiness is more appealing to her than you could all realise. Probably very appealing to you too, right Current Kaytie?


Taking the easiest route is not an option. It's about the outcome. New Kaytie isn't afraid anymore, and is willing to fight for the best she can get.


Cleanliness is something which can always be seen in her house, her room and herself. But, at the same time she doesn't get all worked up about the dishes and floors like you do.


She's beautiful... well, she's getting there. I must say, I do love your hair, Current Kaytie. And, I hope you don't mind that New Kaytie has the same style. New Kaytie always looks her best. Her fat days are kept to herself, because she's realised no one notices these things unless you point them out. She's learnt to focus on her positives and not her negatives, but all the while working on her negatives. She's learning to be in control of herself. Although calories still play an important role in her life, she doesn't talk about them non-stop. Because seriously! It annoys her, imagine how much it annoys others. This is all kept to herself, she will get there. She's in the process of it.


Breaking her bad habits of biting her nails, giving orders, lying, being too secretive, worrying about everything, overthinking everything and eating.


She always does what she says she will and never moans when asked for help.


New Kaytie minds her own business and is never labelled as a 'mean' or 'bitchy' person because she's never seen looking badly at people, judging others or talking about other people (unless with her boyfriend, who is the exception so she can let out all her bottled up angst!). She minds her own business, always.


She's learning to stop worrying what everyone else thinks of her, because she can't change how they feel about her.


Calm down and breathe... not something you would know much about, Current Kaytie. But New Kaytie has it all down pat.


Speaking about her feelings and what's on her mind and always being honest, is something she always does. She's learnt, unlike you, that things work best this way and people appreciate her openess.


Friends are something I know you have neglected, Current Kaytie. New Kaytie takes chances and sees people and friends willingly. I mean, she knows the worst that could happen is they wind up having an awful time together, they go home and never see one another again. Which is how it seems to be with you anyway.

She's trying to come to terms with the simple fact that she is loved by someone very special, her boyfriend. That he deserves the best, and that she must look after herself and give him what he deserves. The very best.


Last, but not least New Kaytie is accepting her past. Yes, she might not ever have fancy things because she was unable to finish school. Yes, she is not like anyone else she knows, she's different. Yes, she has a whole mountain of emotional baggage and secrets. And yes, she has had to learn things and face things no one should. But, it's who she is and it can be a great thing or a terrible thing, depending on what you make of it. She plans on using her knowledge and wisdom and individuality for better things. To do good.


I know she can do this, this is why I'm allowing her into my life. You know I don't deal well with failure or letdowns. I have to trust her, like she has to trust me. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain... apart from KGs.


However, Current Kaytie, there are some things about you which I am glad New Kaytie mirrors.


Your style, wittiness and open mind.


Your morals, too. However, New Kaytie always puts them into play. Always. Therefore, she will have no guilt if she does not follow a simple ethical belief.


And, especially your boyfriend, Thomas. He deserves the best, that is mostly why I've broken up with you for New Kaytie. She is what he needs. I know it's hard for her to realise that someone so great can love her, all of her. And, she asks herself all the time (way too much, infact), why it is this man has chosen her and does love her, exactly the way she is. But, she knows it's time to stop questioning his reasons and just accept that she's one lucky motherfucker to even just have him in her life, let alone as her partner.
She's learning to trust him, to trust he loves her and plans to stay. And, maybe he won't stay, there is no guarantee. But, she is aware of this and her problem lies with the fact that she is waiting for him to leave, just like everyone else has. But, he's not like everyone else. Not even almost. Not in the slightest. He's special, he's different and he's all hers. And maybe, just maybe, he will stay. Maybe he won't leave. And this is why she must be the best version of herself that she can be. To give him everything he deserves.
She loves him. Truly. And, for the first time in a long time, she knows that he too, loves her. Truly.


I hope you understand why this couldn't work out.


You'll always be a part of me.


To new and to better things!


xoxo

Kaytie Does Life.

These past couple of weeks have been blurred and concerning. I'll let you in on the basics.

Friday, Feb 11th

- Someone told me they're in love with me. Someone who isn't Tom. It was flattering but also quite inconvenient.
- Potential new housemate stayed.
- I think of dying constantly.

Sunday, Feb 13th

- Yesterday Thomas picked me up. We went to Albury and then to our friend's place where he had invited some people over for drinks. We left when the liquid was seen more on the ground than in their mouths, and when people were yelling more than they were talking.
- We then went to see '127 Hours'.
- Thomas got some pizza.
- We showered and did the deed, then slept.
- Woke up, repeat.
- Thomas left for his first trip away to Sydney. As cliche as it sounds, I miss him already.

Tuesday, Feb 15th

- Heard from Thomas last night and tonight. He's enjoying himself.
- Mood has drastically down-spiralled. Myself and others are extremely concerned.
- Potential housemate is now definitely moving in next week. I'm apprehensive.

Wednesday, Feb 16th

- Too tired to move. To think. To dress. To tidy. To wash. For anything. I just want to...

Sunday, Feb 20th

- Had first real argument with housemate.
- Thomas returned Friday. We talked for hours and hours on my bed.
- Last night we went to the movies and saw 'Unknown'.

Monday, Feb 21st

- Physically and mentally fed up.
- Tossed and turned all night and finally gave up at 5 am.
- Saw my GP. Had a lot to talk about and received a lot of news. She did mention I was her favourite patient though.

Wednesday, Feb 23rd

- Yesterday Thomas and I painted together. I painted a dancing banana and a picture of Tom on a balancing beam and hanging from his bling on a crucifix. He drew checkered squares and a lampshade. It was us.
- Neither of us slept very well, so we made our own fun.
- Yesterday I completely broke down. Kate took me for coffee though and we talked for hours.

Thursday, Feb 24th

- Ventured to Beechworth and Woolshed Falls. It was beautiful. I love Beechworth and plan to definitely visit with Thomas shortly.
- Thomas dropped by this evening to deliver a present. He didn't suspect that I'd be home and planned to leave it on my bed. He bought me a tea cup and saucer to add to my collection. It was beautiful. It was us.

I feel like I've been losing myself more and more every day now, for the past two months. Lately, especially in the past week and a half, it's become unbearable. I have conducted lots of strageties and plans with my workers, and hopefully things start to improve shortly.

I love you all.
xoxo

I am a cage, in search of a bird.

"Take me, take me back to your bed, I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say, “I don’t mind you under my skin. I’ll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in”
Well when we were made we were set apart, but life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming. The storm is coming in.”

We can't survive on your bedroom eyes and a Spanish guitar

If I were a country, I'd be Antarctica

If I were a month, I'd be July.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Tuesday.
If I were a time of day, I’d be 4am.
If I were a season, I'd be Winter.
If I were a planet, I’d be Pluto. (Pre-unplanetation.)
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a jellyfish.
If I were a direction, I’d be South West.
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a wardrobe.
If I were a liquid, I’d be black coffee with one sugar.
If I were a tool, I’d be a screw driver.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be a tropical cyclone.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a violin.
If I were a colour, I’d be deep red.
If I were an emotion, I’d be manic.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a kiwi fruit.
If I were a sound, I’d be a thunderstorm.
If I were an element, I’d be air.
If I were a food, I’d be rice.
If I were a place, I’d be a well kept secret in your favourite part of town.
If I were a taste, I’d taste like black coffee with one sugar.
If I were a scent, I’d be the smell before rain.
If I were a facial expression, I’d be vacant.
If I were a song, I’d be Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones.

These are a few of my favourite things;

Escapism. Perception. Fashion. Philosophy. Film. Double Lives. Superstitions.

Celebrities. Cooking. Hotels. Sleep. Galleries. Grocery Shopping.

Museums. Trains. Murderers & their motives. Winter. Design. Markets. Toast.

Airplanes. Romance. Breakfast. Mythology. Art. Compliments. Secrets. Natural Remedies.

Psychology. Sea creatures. Thrillers. Veganism. Loathing Cats. Dreams. Lingerie.

Insanity. Hygeine. A lot of Romance. Selfless individuals. Murdering bacteria. Cities. Honesty.

Architecture. Safety. Travel. Festivals. Staying awake until you have to sleep.

Street performers. Nice scents. Decor. Seductive lips. Fresh Starts. Mystery.

Thunderstorms. Sugar-free sweets. Unexplained Mysteries. The Ocean. Sex. Organised Messes.

Interior Design. Pancakes. Beauty. Massages. Happiness. Agreeing to Disagree. Tea Sets.

Cafes. Red nail varnish. Popcorn. Long hair. Cinemas. Misunderstanding. Lakes.

Personal Space. Meeting Spots. Chocolate. Dead Celebrities. People Watching. Rainbows.

Girls who eat carbs. Junk mail. World Peace. Independence. Traditions. Nature vs. Nurture Debate.

White Walls. Old Theatres. Quirks. Knowledge. Roast Pumpkin. Breakfast for dinner. Neck Kisses.

Citrus. Motives. Road Trips. Summer Fruits but not Summer. Understanding. Mysterious people.

Makeup. Wisdom. Money. Thought Processes. The smell before rain. Food Pornography. New Beginnings.

Material Things.

Totally Sweet Advice. PART THREE

1. Clean your sheets you dirty monster! Do you know how many bugs are crawling in there? And dead skin! And bodily fluids. Gross! Duh.

2. Learn to cook. It's rewarding, it gets your creative juices flowing, it's fun and it makes you and others feel good! You can also choose what goes in your meals so you've got control over nutrients and calories and whatever else.


3. If you're not eating toast AT LEAST once a week, you're not living. I mean, seriously?! Who're you kidding? That stuff is EPIC. Eat some toast! Hell, do it everyday.


4. Write down all your phone numbers and addresses that are not already written down. Hell, get one of those old school address books, y'know the ones? Yeah, I had to remind myself about them too. Because seriously, technology is just not trustworthy these days! Your phone/laptop/ipod could die this very second and then what?! You're screwed! Go! Do it now. And, that's okay in advance.


5. Try to keep your wardrobe to one scheme/theme. It's fine to have a couple of items of clothing that aren't matching the rest of your closet, but make sure they're worth it and versatile! Because fashions fade, but style is eternal. You wanna be able to mix and match this shizz next season too.


6. Brush your hair you dirty scrag! What is that?! You go out without brushing your hair MOST OF THE TIME?! C'mon.


7. Don't believe everything Dr. Phil tells you. Honestly. This man may know his stuff, but you can't always know for sure things you read from a text book if you haven't LIVED it and FELT it. Sorry Dr. Phil.


8. Sometimes you really do have to put yourself first. Be a little selfish, look after yourself. If you look after you then everyone else you care about benefits too!


9. Don't spend your life waiting around for people. People come and they go and if they want to be in your life/are worthy of being in your life, then they will be! Just know which doors to leave open and which ones to shut.

10.  The relationships you form are more important than any decision you regret not making. 127 Hours confirmed that. Love the people in your life!

127 Hours

Last night after Thomas and I spent some time with our drunken friends, we decided it'd be nice to go see a movie (it sounds incredibly cliche for couples, but it's definitely something we both love doing together). We'd basically already seen the films we were both hanging out to see, but Thomas knew how much I loved James Franco and that I wouldn't mind seeing his new movie.

'127 Hours' was directed by Danny Boyle, the same person who directed 'Slumdog Millionare', and I don't think any one else could be better fitted. I'm fairly certain most readers would already know the jist of the movie, considering it's a true story.
I enjoyed it immensely, and not just because Jimmy Franco was in my face for the duration of the film, and not because of what exactly was going on. Thomas wasn't too fond of it, and I can understand why. Although I enjoyed it a hell of a lot, and came out of it feeling like a different person, I probably won't see it again. The special thing about it wasn't so much what went on and how the movie played out, but the morals. What went through his mind when he thought he was going to die, what he was going to miss, his regrets and everything else you can imagine someone may think about.
His regrets weren't about what he didn't do as such, but the people he didn't do them with. The things he never said. His relationships with the people in his life were the most important thing to him. Not his accomplishments, not his college degree. His loved ones.

Do your best for the ones you love. Open yourself up to people. Love the people in your life. You need them more than you realise.

Lately...

 New shirt purchased from Bardot.

 Behind my hair's my nearest comfort zone.

"What we have here is a dreamer. Someone completely out of touch with reality."

Kaytie Does Life.

Tuesday, Feb 1st

Thomas and I went to see 'The Black Swan' tonight. It was as beautiful as we'd anticipated. That's all there is to it.
I've felt lower than usual lately. My usual beauty routine has even been dismissed, which says a lot about my mood.
Thomas forgot to call his grandparents again. Sydney doesn't look like it's on the cards this weekend.

Wednesday, Feb 2nd

I said 3 words to Thomas this morning. Those three words.
I don't know what I feel. I don't know what's going on in my mind. Empty. I feel empty.

Friday, Feb 4th


Last night Thomas called, we hadn't spoken since I said goodbye on Tuesday. He picked me up late and gave me a massage before we went to bed.
Yesterday I tried Nandos and saw, 'The Next Three Days'. Both were completely disappointing.
My mood's not improving, it's down spiralling once again. I think of darkness a lot, my room's messy, I feel disgusting, I sleep more. I'm numb.

Sunday, Feb 6th

Today I went shopping and bought a jumper, dress, skirt and lingerie.
I spent too much money, but the knowledge of Winter creeping up around the corner is making it impossible not to purchase much missed Winter fashion.
My budget's been dismissed until I've accumulated a wardrobe I'm once again contented with.
Thomas and I have been spending great time together lately. Although, I did have to crawl out of his bed just before 7 this morning as he had a work outing in Wagga. Things have been so great between us.
Yesterday we went shopping together. Friday night we spent a few hours with Mitchell, and Thomas had some beers.
I feel so comfortable around Thomas. He makes me feel so beautiful, nothing like I felt with Driuks.

Wednesday, Feb 9th

Thomas picked me up last night and the night started off good... before I hit a low and just wanted to curl up and stop breathing.
Sometimes I feel I'm destined to be alone. Live a short life.
Tonight I had my first bath in my new home. It didn't last long as they make me feel all stuffy. I smell delicious now though!
After my bath I took the stereo into the kitchen and opened the windows and doors to my housemate, Matt, and my smoking area. I played music on the stereo whilst we both sat in our backyard smoking cigarettes and I listened to him tell me about his family.
We played air guitar and danced around stupidly, and then when our game of make-believe came to an end, we both simultaneously ceased. We then sat in silence and tapped our fingers and nodded our heads to the music. Blank stares across our faces, both realising what we had just shared was what we wished was real. Not just an act, to both allow one another to force a smile at the silliness we were. Reality won again.
Tomorrow is Thursday - Rehab's outing day. I want to stay inside for days. I feel disgusting. I'm going to request I give it a miss.
Tom leaves for a week on Sunday. Such a bad time to leave.

Mythical Creatures.

"I noticed you, you stood out like a sore thumb. The most beautiful sore thumb I'd ever seen."