Forgive me if this post is nonsense, annoying, contradictive, garbage or repetitive. It annoys me already, knowing I've not much to say on such an eventful and primary year of my life.
I guess, I've honestly just been forgetting lately. Everything. It doesn't seem to matter how important, dramatic, recent or brilliant some memories seem to be, I just keep forgetting. If you wanted, we could get all scientifical, I could try and explain why this is and you'd undoubtedly believe me. But I won't... Basically, I've been trying to forget experiences my whole life. Without realising, it's worked. Gaps, gaps, gaps.
Why? To protect myself, of course. Even my positive memories have been unstored in my mind, for fear that the past will again be repeated. Something good, always followed by something tragic.
Let's try it anyway!
I entered 2010 like a lot of people do. "New start". "New year". "New me", is what I kept telling myself.
"This year, I'll go back to school. I'll stay away from everyone, be purely there to learn and get myself into uni. I know what I want now and I'll do anything to get there. No more hospitals, no more arrests. I'll find myself a house, get to school and knuckle down. I'll do it. I'll be a whole new, Kaytie. No more of this bullshit, I'll teach people what I've learnt. I know who I am now."
That was basically my mentality entering 2010. And, I can't say it's all a lie. I did go back to school, I did stay away from everyone, I was purely there to learn and get myself into uni. I did know what I wanted and I was willing to do whatever it took to get there. I did move out. I was, indeed, an entirely new Kaytie.
The hospitals and arrests was something I didn't stick to though.
I went back to school, entered year 11. From the first step I took into the school yard, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I doubted myself, but I still believed I could do it. Make my dreams come true. Stay strong.
I left before the first term ended.
Breaks and the time before school were spent with me hiding away; anywhere I could hide away, I would go. I cried every day. I couldn't do it. The medications, the stresses and the people, were all just too much. The people. My god. I was once again reminded why I don't have friends my own age. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Petty lies. Overdramatisation of everything. Self-absorbed and hormonal twats. No life experience. No originality. And no morals or values equal to my own.
That was only part of my problem. To be able to concentrate when you feel alone in a room full of people. To be able to think about the definition of 'Youth', or why Holden Caulfield is so swag, was virtually impossible with drugs in your system. Drugs to make you relax, stop thinking, lose concentration and just go numb.
To sit in class, thinking if today was the day you'd jump. If the naive little twerps around you could see you crying, or were talking about your scars. They thought they knew where you'd been, but they had no idea. And you couldn't tell them, you can never tell them.
Sleeping under trees in the pouring rain, spending the nights running from police. To turn up at school and barely keep your eyes open.
It doesn't seem fair. I had to leave because of the life and genetics I'd been given.
Not to mention the overwhelming sense of failure after leaving school. Not even having a year 10 certificate.
People ask questions. Strangers even. You're serving a customer at work and they ask how your exams are going. You see an old friend and they ask how school is going. Meeting your friend's parents and they ask what you're studying.
Then come the judgements.
I also found you weren't considered very useful by the government if you weren't completing year 12. The ignorance in this world was shown to me once again.
In this society, you're not valued for your morals/common sense/heart/kindness/understanding/patience/charity/ideas/wisdom or character. If you don't have an ENTER score, you're not worth knowing. No matter how small your mind is.
After school I worked as much as I could. I enjoyed working. However, dealing with people became a bigger problem. If one thing went wrong, if one person looked at me the wrong way, my whole day was ruined. Customers continually made me cry, unintentionally.
After a while, I decided it would be a good idea to move to melbourne. I packed up all my things, I once again was telling myself, "New Kaytie", "New Life", "New Beginning". I was running, and I knew it. Running from my problems, from people, from memories. I was happy running.
Until, I discovered my problems were all still there. Nothing had changed.
I discovered, my problem was no longer with the people from my past, the horrific things I had to face, the drugs, the dark places in my mind... the problem was me. I was my problem now.
Every where I'd go, I'd have to take myself with me. That's why running would never work. I had to turn back around and charge at myself. I actually had to create, a "New Kaytie", "New Life" and a "New Beginning". It couldn't be done for me, they were three things I had to do for myself.
To this day I'm still struggling, but every day I wake up, I am a new Kaytie. It is a new beginning, and soon enough, I'll have a new life. I hope.
I returned. I returned to live with friends, which fell through. The refuge kicked me out... again. I had no where to go but back to my father and my step mother. Frequent supervision was given by authorities. I couldn't distribute my medication and all privacy was taken away. I was once again, imprisoned. This time, it was worse than my previous imprisonments.
Bruises, park benches, bridges, pills, alcohol, abuse, blood, fear, neglect, stealing, lies, trauma, tears, deaths, violence and homelessness were part of every day life.
Then, I met some amazing people. Amazing people who're still in my life today. Who'm I know I would not be here writing this right now, if it weren't for each and every one of them. My friends. My first real group of friends.
They lent me their sanity. They gave me support. They cared and they loved me. They did what friends do, what I haven't been able to experience before.
For those of you who know me, or even know of me, you'd know that my ex boyfriend, Andrius/Driuks was a huge part of my life. We met when I was 13 and dated on and off right until the middle of 2010. Countless times he broke my heart. Shredded it to pieces. I was vulnerable and completely wrapped up in who he once was, and allowed him to break me over and over again.
2010, I let go. For good. I didn't even have to try. I just knew it was time. We were no longer the people we first fell in love with. I needed to do what was best for me, and maybe once upon a time, that was him. But today, now, and for the last couple of years, it's no longer been him. It's been me. I needed me. I couldn't give everything I had to give with a part of me still clinging onto him. Onto our past. Who he used to be.
I'll always have a special place in my heart for that boy, but that's all I know him as now. A boy. We were just kids. But, my fucking god, it was real. But that's all I need. I know what we had, what we were, what we lost. And I'm happy with that.
Only a couple of months ago I was lucky enough to get accepted into RRR, where I'm residing now. 'RRR' stands for, 'Residential Recovery Rehab'. I live in a rehab facility and I couldn't be more thankful. I've never had a place to call home. Ever. This is my home. My home is in rehab.
I've let go of the people bringing me down, which unfortunately was the final person in my family. I've never had a family, but now I have those amazing friends I was telling you about.
From the group of 'amazing people', previously mentioned (aka, my friends!), there was one person in particular who I clicked with. My new home is virtually around the corner from his own. He was my bestfriend from almost the get-go. He saved me, time and time again. He took me driving at ridiculous hours of the morning and just sat there with me, with our music loud, talking about things more people should talk about. Life. Experiences. Fears. Lost loves. Death. Hate. Anything.
Slowly, but surely, I opened up to him. Eventually, we fell in love.
I love him. Some may say it's too soon for love, but I know love when I feel it. He can see it on my face. If you could see that smile he loves so much, the one I can feel in every part of my body, you'd know too.
I'm so thankful to be entering another year with him, with our friends and with my new life and experiences.
In summary: 2010 was a dramatic year. I learnt a lot about myself. Things I loathe, but also things I love. And I'm beginning to be able to accept who I am.
I know where I stand with people. I know what I want. My morals and values are all in tune. The people around me are here to stay. I respect myself more, and most of all my mind and ideas.
My maturity and wisdom is something to be praised. I have a lot to teach and a lot to learn. I find value and appreciation in who I've become.
Most of all, I know what I think of the world. I have my ideas and concepts all in order. It's refreshing.
So, where does this leave me in 2011? Well, it's only just begun and already so much has happened. I've been spending so much time with my boyfriend, whom I hope is here to stay for a long while.
I've been settling into my new home, learning to become independent. I'll be searching for a job. Working on rehabilitating. Expanding my social circle. Budgeting. Purchasing some amazing garments for my wardrobe.
Becoming someone I'm entirely content with being. Being nicer. Teaching others. Reading more. And, staying alive.
Stay safe, readers!
xoxo
