No hardcore dancing in the living room.

 Jesse's 21st.

 I went to the toilet for one minute and came back to this...

The cake we made for Weston. A thank you cake for introducing the two of us!

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

What do you think you look like?

‘What’ do I think I look like? Ah, an unattractive young misfit female.

Religion?

My religion is to have no religion.

What’s your favorite smell?

My man’s natural body odour and rain.

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Whatever I was drinking the night before… which is usually coffee.

What do you do for a living?

I live.

Personality?

Introverted, honest, secretive, listener, lover, fighter, disappearer, supporter, loyal and strange. I’m a shit person.

Relationship with your parent(s)?

Let’s not go there.

Do you believe in yourself?

I gave that up long ago, I’m afraid.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe in something like that.

Your worst fear(s)

I’m afraid I’m not good enough, and that I am a terrible person and everything that’s happened to me is because I have deserved it.

The weirdest food or drink that you like?

I eat anchovies from the jar.

At the top of your “to do list”?

Get. A. Full. Time. Job.

The hardest thing about growing up?

Doing it on your own.

A pet peeve?

Audible eating, people not washing their hands over going to the bathroom, people who don’t listen when you answer their questions, people who don’t clean up after themselves (especially after you’ve just cleaned), people who just do not make sense and have a valid point when arguing with you.

Your attitude about love?

I love love.

The funniest or most desperate thing you’ve done?

Calling my ex boyfriend whilst drunk in the park and high on pills, homeless, making him confess his love for me just because I needed to hear it from someone. I knew he was still hung up on me, even though we’d be apart for months.

The worst feeling in the world?

Feeling alone and hopeless and powerless, like there’s nothing to live for.

The best feeling in the world

Having something to live for, being happy with who you are and being surrounded by people who make you feel amazing.

What kind of booze did you last take shots of?

Inner Circle, oh goodness. It was awful.

Do you think your ex still wants to be with you?

Apparently so. That’s so unfortunate.

What do you think about math?

I try not to think about it, but I wish I were so much better at it.

Have you ever lost a close friend?

Many, many. To death, to others, to myself and to time.

Have you ever wished on a shooting star?

When I was a little girl I used to look out my window and wait to see one before I was willingly going to sleep, just so I could make a wish.

Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?

I generally don’t like to be touched, so if I’m holding hands with someone they must mean something to me.

Do you have anything that belongs to your ex?

His virginity and a permanent place in his little ol’ heart.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?

I’d rather have none!

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?

Multiple times. Oopsy daisies.

Do you regret a past relationship?

I regret allowing a previous relationship to continue for so long.

Are you a jealous person?

I’m an insecure, self-conscious, and helpless person who cannot help but grow quite jealous.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?

I realised I am capable of being happy and that my life’s on a track I’m very eager to ride out.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?

Tom’s bed, which I sleep in more than my own anyway.

Dog People.

I’m a cat whisperer. They tell me their evil plans of world domination and wiping out the entirety of the human race, and I tell them to go kill themselves because they’re little bitches.

Totally Sweet Advice PART EIGHT (FOR GUYS ONLY)

1. Stop being so judgemental of girls.

2. Girls can ALWAYS tell when you're looking at another girl or staring at their boobs. Stop. Appreciate what you've got.

3. If you don't think the sun shines out of your girl's arse, and you're always on the prowl for some upgrading, bugger off. You should not be with her.

4. Never, ever communicate with your ex. No.

5. Don't call females 'chicks'. It's mean, whether you know it or not! And no, I don't know why it is mean... it just is.

6. Don't hate fat people or talk about weight. It's a touchy subject and you clearly do not know how hard it is to be living in a female's world. Food and diet is a HUGE problem in our lives. That 'fat chick' you just pointed out could have a binge eating disorder, or she could be an emotional eater. "Just stop eating, put down the food", you say? Well, her mother could have just died, or she could be like Oprah and have been molested as a child by her uncle and she subconsciously makes herself that way so she becomes undesirable. Or, maybe she just has a lot of feelings. And, that girl you just looked out with the skinny waist and bangin' body... she may not have eaten for a week. Would you like a girlfriend who won't eat dinner with you. Ever? Who you can't enjoy a bowl of popcorn with over a movie? Whatever it is, leave it alone.

7. If you break a girl's heart and you're done with her, THEN BE DONE WITH HER. No fucking around with her emotions because you 'MIGHT' wanna be with her again and you currently still love her. TOO BAD! If you've broken her heart and gone and decided that you dont want to be with her right now, then let her go. Girls are emotional wrecks and if you give them an ounce of hope, they'll stick around and you'll break their hearts. You heartbreaking prick, you!

8. Wash your sheets. And your clothes. And your towel. Just do it. Please.

9. Don't make us girls feel bad if we do eat a large meal from KFC. Fuck, we like to eat too, you know?

10. If you're ordering us food, please ask what we want first. Don't assume we want the salad, seriously? Salad sucks. That's first date 'I need to impress you' shit. And even THEN we don't REALLY want the salad. And, don't you dare order me a diet-coke.

11. Don't play macho-man in your stupid car. Burn-outs smell like shit and I actually don't want to die today.

12. Don't tell me about your muscles, I don't care. Asshole.

13. If you want to kiss a girl, DO IT.

14. If you want to call her, DO IT.

15. What's with this 3-day bullshit? You have to wait 3 days to call her, email her or text her? Really?! If she's smart she'll have moved on after day 2.

16. Facebook's a clitoral-hardoff. If you DO have facebook (and let's face it, who doesn't?!), don't update your status every half an hour with pussy lyrics, bad grammar, whining or talking about some hot chick you just saw whilst eating lunch. Be sophisticated. Always.

17. Us girls are insecure and emotional. Tell us we look beautiful, but mean it. And yes, you may have already told us twice today that you love us, you like our outfit, you love our new hair... but say it again. We tend to forget the good things.

18. We like sex just as much, if not MORE than you do. So, GIVE IT TO US.

I'll laugh all the way to hell.

Eat too much, eat too little, drink beer, crave chocolate, deprive myself, over-indulge myself, look at food porn, go to the cinemas, listen to music, challenge people, bottle up my emotions until I explode, explode, spend time with my boyfriend, my boyfriend, love, cry, sleep, don't sleep, read, cooking shows, scream, smoke, quit smoking, chain smoke, road trips, make my boyfriend food, sex, hating people, being hated, questioning myself, break promises, make promises, feel happy, want to die, try to die, don't die, feel like i'm dying, hate myself, disgust myself, have others disgust me, argue, fight, complain, moan, sexually moan, orgasm, be naked, wash my hair, fall more in love, be happier than ever before, tell myself i'm worthless, feel worthless, lose friends, make fake friends, love love, be in love, tell my boyfriend i love him, be loved, tell you i love him. I love him.

Head filled with elsewhere.

Do.

Drink green tea. Dance in front of the mirror. Accept your past. Trust more. Trust less. Lose weight. Smoke more. Quit smoking. Enjoy coffee. 2 sugars instead of one. Never storm out. Brush your hair. Use a condom. Breathe. Rid the assholes. Stress less. Eat. Save money. Gain confidence. Laugh. Laugh at people.

Look At This Tangle Of Thorns

Some people cut off all their hair when they want a fresh start. Some move away, or go some place different - which can also be seen as running. Some break off relationships or give up bad habits.

I like my hair, and I don’t like much regarding myself. I’ve tried running, and it hasn’t worked. I’ve broken off communication with damaging people, and I’m continually trying to give up bad habits.

If someone tells you something enough times, you start to believe it. I’m trying to tell myself I’m worth something, I’m deserving, I’m beautiful, I’m strong and I’m important. I feel the need to rid my past, I hate that it’s so impossible to escape from and often becomes who you are.

Here begins, once and for all, a new beginning.

A Pirate's Life For Me.

Lately.

My life's become somewhat one that resembles something from a movie. I spend my week days either on my own chain smoking with or without the company of others, or watching television and writing out recipes, or sporadically cruising the streets and running errands with my friend, Cass. More recently I've been assisting her in moving house.

I spend my afternoons with my boyfriend and we regularly attend the cinemas, watching so many films only the best of the best are still in my memory. We drive places, I make him food, we lay in bed and talk for hours, we have a sex-life Russell Brand pre-marriage would be envious of and we fall more in love with eachother every single day.
Sometimes we drive out to the weir, or nearby country towns and eat ice-cream, listen to our music with our windows down, stop to look at the house lights and talk and laugh.

My social life is actually in existance and alcohol often enters my system... maybe too much in some circumstances.

I'm starting to feel like my life's getting on track again, and then I am reminded by my medications, rehabilitation facility, countless struggles, feelings of worthlessness, scars and people, that this is a life long thing I'm going to have to deal with. But, for the first time, I feel like I am able to deal with it.

It was mother's day recently, and everyone was talking about the amazing day they're having with their loved ones... that's hard. It's hard not having a family, especially because they're not dead. They're just not worth having around.

Friday night Tom and I went to a party, we were one of the last people there. Towards the end when half the people had left, the remainding people sat by the fire and we shared stories about the birthday boy. When it was Tom's turn he said one of the best things about having met him was that he'd introduced him to the 'love of his life' and walked over to kiss me in front of everyone. I will never forget that moment.

Everyday I think about my past and the people in it, and every morning and every night when I'm taking my pills I am reminded about how I almost didn't make it. Before, I'd believe I had no future and I was just existing, waiting for the day I was finally going to be rid of all this pain. Now, I think about going to bed and falling asleep with Thomas and how I have a warm bed to wake up in, how I have friends who love me and how perhaps I will be happy some day. I think about how lucky I am to have Thomas and how without him, I wouldn't believe in a future. Today, I can see a future and I can see one with him, and I can see happiness.

Only Boring People Get Bored

Plait every strand of your hair. Make shapes out of clouds. Consume a whole pack of laxatives... and wait.

Buy condoms for all your friends. Sneak out. Dance around in your underwear - with or without your blinds open.

Chain smoke. Make yourself throw up. Stuff a whole piece of bread in your mouth and try and eat it in less than a minute.

Read your old journals. Start a journal. Discover if your parents still smoke pot.

Play blood knuckles. Try on every piece of clothing in your wardrobe. Clean out your wardrobe.

Rotate your furniture. Move your bed in another direction. Go through every isle in your supermarket.

Make paper airplanes. Write a letter and put it in someone's mail box. Squeeze your boyfriend's pimples.

How To Lose Friends And Scare People PART TWO

1. Don't brush your teeth every day.

2. Skip showers.

3. Talk to your 'friends' on facebook every single time they log on with nothing important to say.

4. Talk about Neighbours or Home and Away

5. Carry a knife everywhere and making an effort to make sure everyone knows about it.

6. Hold eye contact for too long.

7. Have an unclean house.

8. Only talk to people when you want something.

9. Conspicuously (or even inconspicuously) flirt with people's boyfriends/girlfriends.

10. Cheat.

11. Constantly talk about your sex life.

12. Hate small children.

13. Own a loud and obnoxious dog

14. Hunch over your drink in the bar looking everyone up and down.

15. Be one of those 'cat people' who despise 'dog people'.

Totally Sweet Advice PART SEVEN

1. Candles are fun and they smell nice! They totally set so many different moods of your choice too! Just be caareful with them, they do involve fires (see Google images to see how disastrous that stuff can be!)

2. Confrontation is often healthy, fun, exciting, needed and nasty. But, do it. Get it over with, just don't play the 'blame game' if it's with someone you care about.

3. Sometimes you've got to give a bit of yourself to a new friend/person in your life even if you're not exactly sure if they're trustworthy or not. It's hard and frightening and I know you've been betrayed in the past (I mean, who hasn't!), but it's gotta be done in order to get somewhere. I'm sorry if this backfires and said person hurts you and is just another monster to hurt your feelings and dent your trust in humanity... but, try it. One of these days you'll meet someone who makes you feel worthy and whom you feel you can tell absolutely anything to. And, without being hurt a little first and taking these risks, you will never find them.

4. Relationships are about taking risks and oftentimes you'll be scared to death but more excited and alive and happy than you've ever felt. Ever. It's just part of the ride or whatever they say, and you should let go and put your guards down and enjoy every moment of it. Who says it won't last? Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But, while it IS happening, let it happen and let it happen completely and 100%. Enjoy it! (I say this as I stare at myself in the mirror right now!

5. Okay, I know we all say at some point in our lives 'I'm never drinking again', because during the events of some crazy wild night, you went out and embarrassed yourself in front of everyone. Plus, you felt like crap. I also know, that this only lasts a short while for most people, but seriously, maybe you should write down your feelings toward that night and read them before you go out next. You don't want to forget them, because often we really truly DO forget exactly how bad we felt/were. I'm not saying never to drink again, but watch yourself! You're on your own when you're a repeat offender.

6. Don't flirt/touch/lean in too far/giggle too loudly with/to someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend. ESPECIALLY in front of them you unclassy whorebag.

7. If you're the youngest person at a party/gathering, you're not allowed to be the loudest or most opinionated person there. They will not like you.

8. It's fucking winter so fucking drink hot chocolate and eat hot soup!

9. We all know someone who's going through an extremely hard time, and it could very well be something you feel you cannot relate to or give advice on. But, instead of not asking how they are/bringing the topic up, to avoid awkwardness or running out of comforting words, you probably should. You'll find they'll more than likely appreciate you acknowledging their hardships and showing you care, than  pretending nothing's changed!

10. People are stubborn and throughout life you'll have falling outs with people you care about, and sometimes you will know you're not the one in the wrong or the one who should be apologising first... but, the other person is too stubborn, and probably a little embarrassed, to be the first one to approach the other. That's when, you have to choose between losing them over whatever the falling out was about, or sucking it up and approaching them because you're the less stubborn/more mature one and gradually forgiving their stupidity.

11. If someone lets you into their house, don't steal their shit. Duh. Wait... you shouldn't steal ANYONE'S stuff.

Mermaids belong in the ocean eating green things.

Okay, so I’m really sick right? And my boyfriend and I have decided to make it a pj’s day, so I’ve decided to curl up and watch Desperate Housewives and drink hot chocolate in bed all day whilst he plays games. But, we need milk, and I personally need food, real food after eating chocolate for breakfast. So, my boyfriend’s about to go off and buy milk, and he knows I need to eat too, but I don’t know what I want because I’m sick, duh. I don’t have time to think, plus he’s supposed to just KNOW what I need/want.

Anyway, do you know what he said? “I’ll get you a cheeseburger.” Obviously he could tell by the face that I was pulling that a cheeseburger was definitely not what I wanted (however, any other time I would have happily agreed!). But no, I am sick and I already ate chocolate for breakfast and he KNOWS my stomach is killing me and I can’t stomach a cheeseburger.

He continues with more suggestions as he really wants to help me and satisfy me and nurture me, which I must give him more credit for… but still, he should just KNOW what I want, right?!
“I’ll get you a Zinger baby?” He sees my face again… “An icecream from maccas?” “Some chocolate?” “How about chocolate icecream?!”
I then tell him I cannot possibly stomach all these things and he’s doing this whole ‘nurturing’ thing wrong. He says, “Isn’t that what girls want? Chocolate and icecream?”

I explain that yes, that is what girls usually want and well done for that observation, but right now I am terribly ill and must eat something moderately healthy as I will vomit anything else up and I have already had my chocolate hole filled this morning…
He suggests yoghurt, which isn’t such a bad idea at all! But you know, just one of those things I didn’t really feel like this time round. It just wasn’t what I was craving, even if I didn’t know what exactly it was I was craving.

He then looks up and looks like he’s hit the jackpot and says, “I know, I’ll pick you up a salad!” I looked up at him in disgust, and said, “Seriously? Why is it that guys think if a girl wants something healthy, she means a salad? You realise girls don’t actually really enjoy eating salad? They only do it to impress guys. We’re not mermaids, you know?”

Salads are not your friends. If you're in a comfortable and loving relationship with somebody, you're past the salad stage (however, I was never actually IN the salad stage to begin with...). Eat real food, and if you do and you are but you feel like you HAVE to eat a salad or something lame like that when your man's around, think again!

I’ve been hiding since Sunday evening and I am hiding today and most of this week. I understand why the Japanese (chinese?) cut off all their hair when they want to forget something… to start again. I’ve also noticed it’s a trend among celebrities, after a breakup they chop all their hair off. And start again. I could do that but I know I’d end up feeling more miserable as I feel like my hair’s the only good thing about myself - and even then I don’t really like it as much as I should.
Anyway, the point is, instead of chopping my hair off or jumping off bridges or taking a shit load of pills to try and forget things, I escaped as much as I knew how to. I changed all my passwords, took off my jewellery, changed my ringtone, bought a pack of cigarettes, packed my things and went somewhere else and let my phone run flat a few times.
I didn’t forget, but I changed and change is almost as good as forgetting… sometimes.

I’m at my boyfriend’s house, he came and picked me up last night after a delicious (yet very fattening) thai green curry and apple pies with icecream. We had sex, showered and had more sex, slept (where apparently I was making funny noises all night, which doesn’t surprise me because I sometimes do it and wake myself up!) and was woken up by Tom as I didn’t even hear his alarms go off. He kissed me goodbye after I watched him dress infront of me (I was not closing my eyes through that!) and I fell right back asleep until 11:10.

Tonight, I’m assuming we’ll do our traditional iced-coffee run and late night shopping, however I will be wearing trackies and looking like a mess. I feel disgusting because even though I was able to escape, I ate way more than I normally would.

I have so much fun with my boyfriend, and we do fight and face things which other couples don’t, and it’s testing to our relationship, but everytime we come through stronger than before. This time, I feel like we’ve both really received confirmation of everything we want and mean to one another, and I have a feeling things are just going to get a lot more funner, hotter, passionate, loving and a whole less stressful.

Totally Sweet Advice PART SIX

1. If everyone around you seems to be getting sick of you lately, maybe it's not THEM that needs to change and get over themselves, maybe you need to take a step back and have a good look at YOURSELF!

2. For everything you gain, you lose something. I never believed it, but DARN IS IT TRUE! It's up to you to decide which option gives you the biggest gain and will make you happiest and you've got to learn to let go of the thing you're losing.

3. It's all well and good being a people-pleaser and really caring about everyones happiness, but there comes a time where you've just gone and got yourself in a big unhappy hole with all this impossible people pleasing. Do what's right for you and you may even find it's what's generally right for the majority also!

4. Perfect your popcorn making skills! It's the way to people's hearts for real! But, DO NOT burn that stuff. It's so nasty.

5. When visiting someone's house, try not to make ALL conversations revolve around YOU. Yes, you hear me you little fake homewrecker, you?! Please note, this is not directed at my brother's girlfriend. IT'S NOT! I SWEAR.

6. Easter's coming and everyone's coming up to holidays. I know we're all a tad worried about our waistlines, but seriously... EAT SOME FUCKING CHOCOLATE. Oh goodness, soooo good. Eat what you like, let loose. Food is your friend!

7. You don't have to be the drunkest/loudest person at the party. You are actually annoying a whole heap of people and look like an insecure/attention seeking mess. Have more self-respect and confidence. Fake it if you must.

8. Don't get so addiced to cigarettes that when you have none you go crazy and will do whatever you can to get some! Like rummaging through ashtrays to find 'smokeable butts'. Seriously?! Do you know how ridiculous/crazy you look?! It's 2011. How about you just DON'T do it? I mean, now that we're aware of how bad they are for you, how yellow your teeth and hands get and how it makes you smell and look old, cigarettes just aren't cool anymore! (I should tell myself this one. Kaytie, cigarettes just aren't cool anymore. Got it?)

9. Don't tell people you're going to do something, just DO it. Are you thinking if you say it out-loud it makes it more credible? Because maybe that IS true, but if it's not you wind up looking like a total d-bag.

10. Remember, texting can be extremely convenient whilst needing to deliver messages on the go, or if you're in the first stages of getting to know some hot crush of yours... but it can also be a huge inconvenience. I mean, seriously, there are a million different ways to take what is said through texts and I know there are people out me (especially of the vagina range) who take it too literally or the worst way possible! Which can cause major dramas. SO, either get better at texting or CALL.

because i came here with a load and it feels so much lighter since i met you

Thomas P., I love you and wouldn't change a damn thing.

How To Lose Friends And Scare People

1. Drink too much.

2. Chain smoke, so you become known as 'the smoker' and you're constantly stenching of smoke. Try not to be offended when your friends suffering from asthma never wanna hang out anymore.

3. Eat onions or garlic before meeting people.

4. Stay exactly the same way as you were when you were 16, but with more alcohol and drama.

5. Greet people with a limp handshake whilst staring into their eyes and holding their hand for a second too long.

6. Talk and/or yell to yourself regularly.

7. Answer the door in your underwear.

8. Become obsessed with a computer/console game to the point where you're having to lie about your game play.

9. Be in denial about addictions.

10. Say you hate sushi when you've never tried it.

11. Don't own a television and make it a point to let everyone know.

Lovers Alone Recipe.

Lovers Alone Recipe.
A common recipe to be enjoyed on nights alone with the one you love.

Ingredients.

1 lover (test a few first as personal tastes may vary and this ingredient is most important. Once you've found the one which is right for you, stick with them no matter what as flavour may change through various heats.)

Beer

A kitchen with cupboards almost bare

1 car with green P plates

Sweet seasoning (includes; love, passion, excitement, sex, personal jokes, spooning, understanding, kisses, smiles, fun, laughs, jokes, nudity and  kindess)

Bitter seasoning (includes; insecurities, tears, frustrations and fear)

5 coffees (in cooler weather number may need to be increased to 10+)

Method.

1. Coat lover 89% with sweet seasoning and 11% with bitter seasoning.

2. Add beer to lover.

3. After beer and lover have mixed together evenly, add kitchen with cupboards almost bare.

4. Go crazy and test to taste.

5. Add nudity and leave to stand over night.

6. Progressively add 5 coffees and sprinkle with extra sugar.

7. Add car with green P plates and stir until desired target is reached.

8. Repeat step 5.

Notes: Your lover can be added to all recipes and is one of your most essential ingredients in any recipe.

Life's no fun if you're always having fun.

All my life I've found it difficult to accept a lot of things.
Why does religion cause so much trouble? Why would some rather spend money on luxuries than helping create world peace? Why do some people care more about sports than humanity? Why does that woman think that skirt looks good on her?
You know, all those types of things. But mostly I've found it difficult accepting a lot of things within myself.
Why is all this happening to me? What have I done to make these people treat me this way? Why do I do the things I do? Why hasn't anyone helped me with this? Why can't I see myself like other people see me? Am I a bad person? Did I do the right thing? What is my purpose? Why am I even trying? Why did I eat that extra piece of chocolate cake and spend my money on that dress I'm going to wear once?

Lately, I've realised I've got to stop fighting against myself. I'm not going to be who I wish to become overnight. It'll take work and that's what life's about. Living and learning. I'm still doing both!
I'm controlling, bitchy, insecure, unorganised, worrysome, secretive, strong-willed, opinionated, insane, intelligent, stubborn, erratic, a little strange and I ricochete between independency and dependency.
It's who I am and yeah, some of it fucking sucks but really, if I COULD change these core traits, would I really even want to? It adds character and withouth them, I'd be boring. I can eventually tidy myself up around the edges and hopefully someday be, the best version of ME I can be, but I'll always be stubborn, controlling, strong-willed and brought down by past demons, but I have to accept those things and trust that the people who love me, actually enjoy my little difficulties.

So, I've decided not to be so hard on myself and take every day as it comes and I hope to gradually become content with who I am. I no longer expect to wake up and have everything be different and just how I want.


I apologise for not posting recently, I've been far too busy but also far too unmotivated. I'm learning new lessons every single day and admittedly, I usually detest this fact. The lessons are difficult, draining and I curse them and wish for them to disappear... but if I take a step back like I have today (after a horrible night) and look at the overall picture, I'm thankful for these distressing occurences. Right now, I'm growing and every day I'm getting closer to whom I wish to be. I know exactly what I want. I'm aware of my faults and I'm learning to accept them and work with them so they're not so faulty. I'm learning a lot about other people and how they work and I'm learning more about the world we live in.

Life's certainly not easy for anyone, and I'm not even sure if there's a big point to it. Sometimes I wonder why things can hurt so much when I feel so insignificant and useless. But, the thing is, they do hurt and they hurt so, so much that I cannot possible ignore them and push them away, putting them down as something to be swept away. Emotions can't be ignored and the way things make me feel can't be ignored and they are meaningful. But, they're not negative. They can't all be negative...

Totally Sweet Advice. PART FIVE

1. Learn to clean and learn it now. If you're living with your parents, help out and learn how to clean an entire house. Seriously, you may THINK you know how to do it, but you probably don't. When you move out, if you haven't learnt every single little house-cleaning detail, you're screwed. Seriously, you want people to come over when you believe your house is clean, only to realise it's really not? What if you find a super hot person to take home and they need to use your bathroom and it's DIRTY?! Major no-no. Plus, a clean house is beneficial for your health and it makes you feel good and at home!

2. It's "anything" and "nothing". Not "anythink" or "nothink". Just thought you should all know...

3. If you're fighting/arguing/disagreeing with somebody, and you're going for the, "I'm more mature and wise than you" approach... don't say 'sweety'. It's not as demeaning as you think and it's just a cop-out and totalllllly annoying. Honestly, it's super lame and your 'mature' approach has failed.

4. Do not play music outloud on your phone/ipod/whatever. You're ONLY allowed to do it when ABSOLUTELY nobody else is around. And you must check constantly, because you look like a douche bag otherwise. I don't even care if you're going for a long walk and have lost your headphones or whatever, it's not worth it!

5. If you have a problem with someone/something, address it in person before you post it on Facebook, you piece of shit!

6. Don't kid yourself, you cannot start eating chips without eating the entire contents.

7. Just because a movie has your favourite actor/actress doesn't mean it's guaranteed to be great. I mean, it's fine to go and see a movie purely because your favourite actor/actress is appearing, but be man enough to admit when they've done a crappy job.

8. If you're going out to eat and you're tossing up between getting your favourite (which is what you always get) or something you've been craving, go for the latter option. If you choose what you always choose and don't go with your cravings, you'll be unsatisfied!

9. Do yourself a favour! Don't see that movie 'Rango'.

10. Hey everyone! Make sure you perfect your fake laugh so you don't come across looking like a sarcastic-fake-laughing-bitch. I know you're only trying to be nice to the unfunny guy making bad jokes, but if you don't have your fake laughing down pat, it may be best not to laugh at all.

11. It's amazing how one arsehole and his 'look-at-me' girlfriend can ruin your cinema experience. Don't be those people.

12. Bake your friend(s) something with someone you love. Or, bake yourselves something because you are in love. It's fun and rewarding for everyone involved.

P.S. I misplaced my USB, hence the lack of posting lately. But, I'm back!

You're the sweet to my mean

Last weekend my boyfriend and I ventured to Sydney to his grandparent's home.
The 3 day long adventure was full of many things; surprises, mishaps, experiences and new found knowledge. It was definitely made more pleasant bunking out in the most beautiful house I've ever had the pleasure to enter. Thomas' grandparents definitely have superb taste and are truly beautiful human beings!

Admittedly, our trip started out rocky and I wondered if I'd made a mistake, but by the end of the trip I was genuinely - and still am - a different person.
I've always gotten along well with older people as I generally enjoy hearing what they have to say. Afterall, they've experienced life and everyone's life is unique, and I find elderly individuals love to put their knowledge to good use by speaking to anyone who will listen about life lessons. And I love to listen!
Tom's grandparents were beautiful, just like their home. I actually find I miss them and look forward to our next trip to their abode.

Anyway, Tom's grandparents - especially his grandfather - and I indulged in very indepth conversations and from their stories and their wisdom, I listened and I listened closely, and realised so many things. Like, I'm a total douche bag. Life's tough, so tough, and unfortunately for some it's a lot tougher than others. I fall into that category; the unfortunate 'some'. But, I've been given these wonderful people who I've been pushing away and taking for granted. I really do need those people and if I keep doing what I'm doing as a form of coping/trying to be tough/trying to prove I can do things on my own/being scared of rejection/feeling like a burden/etc, then I will lose them and it'll be then, when it's too late, that I realise I was wrong.
I need my boyfriend, my lovely little sister friends who have always been there, my new friends who have come into my life and I feel I know more than people I have known forever.... I need them and right now, and possibly for a lifetime, they're wanting to be there. So, I should let them!
Anyway, off track....

In summary: I met Thomas' grandparents and they are so, so lovely, Thomas and I had so much fun, I fell more in love, I realised we are really something together, I listened, I learnt and I came back someone different, someone better. I can't wait to return.

Also;

Realised Nirvana up-loud during the night brings on a sense of being murdered. Making out at truck stops. Changed song lyrics to cure boredom. Takeaway coffees with complementary chocolates. Unintended scenic routes. Kombi van central. Watched rain fall over lakes until you could no longer see to the other side and until it cleared and you could once again. Introductions to old men. Was told about my own apparent future wedding. Discovered we had an extra green-jumping passenger who didn't chip in for petrol. Spoke of happiness. Fruit platters. Rain. Sunshine. Car fixing. Tongue measuring. Nazi watching. Justing Timberlake overload. Beer with old men conversing deeply. Passed cemeteries pretty enough to eat your lunch in. Discussion involving the difference between saltwater and freshwater mermaids. Waterfalls. Fairy bread. Crosswords. Singing like Aretha Franklin. Agreement to no talk of calories. Guilt free food consumption. Submarines. Debates. Movies. Visitors. Ointment. Hazelnuts. Breakfast. Love.



Don't Believe Everything You Think.

I'm pretty pathetic. About time I had admitted to it.

It's strange though. I know deep down that I am infact, a good and worthy person (well, sometimes I believe I am...), but I know that this is mostly a burden - especially around here and these days.
The majority of people are unlike me, therefore always causing conflict and misunderstanding. And, just to get the record straight. I mean different, as in, genuinely not the same. Not, 'Oh, I'm so much better than everyone, no one understands me because I'm just oozing with originality'. No. You cannot argue with the fact that I am quite unusual; for good or for bad. I don't know.
Anyway, me being so warped,  I tend retaliate in ways which I know are unacceptable and make me look like the monster. It's the only way I know how to defend myself.
It makes me feel guilty and taking all blame and feeling like more of a waste of space and people's time...

I don't want to say too much, I don't want to cause trouble... I don't have any more room for trouble right now.
But, what I'm saying is, I feel like such a loser and I feel like a piece of shit because I'm not accepted by as many people as I'd like to be. And, because I'm always being told I'm wrong and this and that, I've began to believe it. On the other hand though, I know deep down that not everything I've been told is wrong about me, or not right about me, is incorrect. I know that sometimes, just because a whole heap of people THINK you're this thing or that thing, that you're not. You're truly not. That you're just misunderstood... I mean, everyone's misunderstood to some degree, but in my case, it happens more than the average persons'. And you can't fight it, because you won't win.

The majority can be wrong, but the majority always win.

I suppose the only thing you can do is stay true to yourself, and know who you are. Don't believe everything you hear, or even everything you think, because you are what you think you are.
I guess, the only thing that makes me believe deep down that I'm not as terrible as people tell me, or as I often believe I am, is that all the people I look up to and respect so much, return those feelings to me. The people I have in my life, or the people who don't have anything bad to say about me, are the ones I would choose, if I had to, to feel that way. They're amazing. And, how can people so amazing and so extraordinary love and respect me if I'm so bad?
The people who don't are usually people who I really don't respect or love in return... but hell, it'd make things a WHOLE lot easier if they did like me and respect me.
I guess I've just got to start backing myself up more, because those people are often wrong.

The majority is often wrong.

I'm leaving soon, my head's a mess.

I hope it comes back clearer.

My boyfriend - man, I wish so much I didn't have to call him my 'boyfriend'. I wish so much that 'manfriend' was more socially accepted. Or, maybe I don't because I'd feel weird saying that too. 'Partner' is too marital, 'lover' is too distant. My problem with the word 'boyfriend' is that I've had them before and my boyfriends have always become ex-boyfriends and I was so young. I'm much older now... sort of - and I are off to his grandparent's in Sydney tonight. We're going for the weekend and I'm feeling a mixture of emotions all at once (which is anything new, so I don't exactly know why I had to tell you that). It's our first trip away with one another and I feel like it's going to be a big step forward (or even backwards if all goes downhill) in our relationship.
I mean, we're a serious couple anyway (much more serious than I tend to give us credit for) and this will just confirm the seriousness of where we could be headed. Like, we're sharing a suitcase for goodness sake! That is one serious committment. My whole trip will be bagged up with his whole trip and will return the same.
I just hope I don't drive him mad.

I just want,

To sleep for a few hours, until it's time to leave and wake up and everything to have been completed.

For it to be raining until the outskirts of our destination tonight. Road trip in the rain with my lover and our mutual lovely music, would be bliss.

The amount of roadkill seen on the way to be minimal.

To eat and not consume any of the calories. Chocolate, coffee, lollies, muffins, chips, bread... oh, so much chocolate. Please.

For this weekend to go well and for my boyfriend's grandparents to like me. No, no. For my boyfriend's grandparents to adore me.

To turn eighteen.

My outfits to not make my body temperature too hot or too cold, but just right. Like Little Bear's porridge.

Magically be fit enough to work and be magically given a full time job.

Control and become the person I am trying so hard to be. (I shouldn't say that, sometimes I swear I could try harder but I'm just a little scared. To death, scared)

To not have to say I want happiness and to just be happy already.

For people who don't appreciate me or who aren't willing to cut me some slack or be completely honest with me, to buzz off. I don't have time right now (or ever!) for you people.

To wish you all a safe and happy weekend. Hell, a safe and happy fucking life. But not too much of the two, because without misery you would know no happiness. And, without danger you'd know no fun, you boring fucks.

One last thing; I wish to know when my thoughts, my words and my life will start making sense.

Does any of this make sense to you?

I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.

I came across these polaroids a few years back and silly me didn't think to label the artist or anything, but they've really spoke to me since I found them and I had to share them with my readers.
If you know the artist, please share!