No hardcore dancing in the living room.

 Jesse's 21st.

 I went to the toilet for one minute and came back to this...

The cake we made for Weston. A thank you cake for introducing the two of us!

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

What do you think you look like?

‘What’ do I think I look like? Ah, an unattractive young misfit female.

Religion?

My religion is to have no religion.

What’s your favorite smell?

My man’s natural body odour and rain.

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Whatever I was drinking the night before… which is usually coffee.

What do you do for a living?

I live.

Personality?

Introverted, honest, secretive, listener, lover, fighter, disappearer, supporter, loyal and strange. I’m a shit person.

Relationship with your parent(s)?

Let’s not go there.

Do you believe in yourself?

I gave that up long ago, I’m afraid.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe in something like that.

Your worst fear(s)

I’m afraid I’m not good enough, and that I am a terrible person and everything that’s happened to me is because I have deserved it.

The weirdest food or drink that you like?

I eat anchovies from the jar.

At the top of your “to do list”?

Get. A. Full. Time. Job.

The hardest thing about growing up?

Doing it on your own.

A pet peeve?

Audible eating, people not washing their hands over going to the bathroom, people who don’t listen when you answer their questions, people who don’t clean up after themselves (especially after you’ve just cleaned), people who just do not make sense and have a valid point when arguing with you.

Your attitude about love?

I love love.

The funniest or most desperate thing you’ve done?

Calling my ex boyfriend whilst drunk in the park and high on pills, homeless, making him confess his love for me just because I needed to hear it from someone. I knew he was still hung up on me, even though we’d be apart for months.

The worst feeling in the world?

Feeling alone and hopeless and powerless, like there’s nothing to live for.

The best feeling in the world

Having something to live for, being happy with who you are and being surrounded by people who make you feel amazing.

What kind of booze did you last take shots of?

Inner Circle, oh goodness. It was awful.

Do you think your ex still wants to be with you?

Apparently so. That’s so unfortunate.

What do you think about math?

I try not to think about it, but I wish I were so much better at it.

Have you ever lost a close friend?

Many, many. To death, to others, to myself and to time.

Have you ever wished on a shooting star?

When I was a little girl I used to look out my window and wait to see one before I was willingly going to sleep, just so I could make a wish.

Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?

I generally don’t like to be touched, so if I’m holding hands with someone they must mean something to me.

Do you have anything that belongs to your ex?

His virginity and a permanent place in his little ol’ heart.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?

I’d rather have none!

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?

Multiple times. Oopsy daisies.

Do you regret a past relationship?

I regret allowing a previous relationship to continue for so long.

Are you a jealous person?

I’m an insecure, self-conscious, and helpless person who cannot help but grow quite jealous.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?

I realised I am capable of being happy and that my life’s on a track I’m very eager to ride out.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?

Tom’s bed, which I sleep in more than my own anyway.

Dog People.

I’m a cat whisperer. They tell me their evil plans of world domination and wiping out the entirety of the human race, and I tell them to go kill themselves because they’re little bitches.

Totally Sweet Advice PART EIGHT (FOR GUYS ONLY)

1. Stop being so judgemental of girls.

2. Girls can ALWAYS tell when you're looking at another girl or staring at their boobs. Stop. Appreciate what you've got.

3. If you don't think the sun shines out of your girl's arse, and you're always on the prowl for some upgrading, bugger off. You should not be with her.

4. Never, ever communicate with your ex. No.

5. Don't call females 'chicks'. It's mean, whether you know it or not! And no, I don't know why it is mean... it just is.

6. Don't hate fat people or talk about weight. It's a touchy subject and you clearly do not know how hard it is to be living in a female's world. Food and diet is a HUGE problem in our lives. That 'fat chick' you just pointed out could have a binge eating disorder, or she could be an emotional eater. "Just stop eating, put down the food", you say? Well, her mother could have just died, or she could be like Oprah and have been molested as a child by her uncle and she subconsciously makes herself that way so she becomes undesirable. Or, maybe she just has a lot of feelings. And, that girl you just looked out with the skinny waist and bangin' body... she may not have eaten for a week. Would you like a girlfriend who won't eat dinner with you. Ever? Who you can't enjoy a bowl of popcorn with over a movie? Whatever it is, leave it alone.

7. If you break a girl's heart and you're done with her, THEN BE DONE WITH HER. No fucking around with her emotions because you 'MIGHT' wanna be with her again and you currently still love her. TOO BAD! If you've broken her heart and gone and decided that you dont want to be with her right now, then let her go. Girls are emotional wrecks and if you give them an ounce of hope, they'll stick around and you'll break their hearts. You heartbreaking prick, you!

8. Wash your sheets. And your clothes. And your towel. Just do it. Please.

9. Don't make us girls feel bad if we do eat a large meal from KFC. Fuck, we like to eat too, you know?

10. If you're ordering us food, please ask what we want first. Don't assume we want the salad, seriously? Salad sucks. That's first date 'I need to impress you' shit. And even THEN we don't REALLY want the salad. And, don't you dare order me a diet-coke.

11. Don't play macho-man in your stupid car. Burn-outs smell like shit and I actually don't want to die today.

12. Don't tell me about your muscles, I don't care. Asshole.

13. If you want to kiss a girl, DO IT.

14. If you want to call her, DO IT.

15. What's with this 3-day bullshit? You have to wait 3 days to call her, email her or text her? Really?! If she's smart she'll have moved on after day 2.

16. Facebook's a clitoral-hardoff. If you DO have facebook (and let's face it, who doesn't?!), don't update your status every half an hour with pussy lyrics, bad grammar, whining or talking about some hot chick you just saw whilst eating lunch. Be sophisticated. Always.

17. Us girls are insecure and emotional. Tell us we look beautiful, but mean it. And yes, you may have already told us twice today that you love us, you like our outfit, you love our new hair... but say it again. We tend to forget the good things.

18. We like sex just as much, if not MORE than you do. So, GIVE IT TO US.

I'll laugh all the way to hell.

Eat too much, eat too little, drink beer, crave chocolate, deprive myself, over-indulge myself, look at food porn, go to the cinemas, listen to music, challenge people, bottle up my emotions until I explode, explode, spend time with my boyfriend, my boyfriend, love, cry, sleep, don't sleep, read, cooking shows, scream, smoke, quit smoking, chain smoke, road trips, make my boyfriend food, sex, hating people, being hated, questioning myself, break promises, make promises, feel happy, want to die, try to die, don't die, feel like i'm dying, hate myself, disgust myself, have others disgust me, argue, fight, complain, moan, sexually moan, orgasm, be naked, wash my hair, fall more in love, be happier than ever before, tell myself i'm worthless, feel worthless, lose friends, make fake friends, love love, be in love, tell my boyfriend i love him, be loved, tell you i love him. I love him.

Head filled with elsewhere.

Do.

Drink green tea. Dance in front of the mirror. Accept your past. Trust more. Trust less. Lose weight. Smoke more. Quit smoking. Enjoy coffee. 2 sugars instead of one. Never storm out. Brush your hair. Use a condom. Breathe. Rid the assholes. Stress less. Eat. Save money. Gain confidence. Laugh. Laugh at people.

Look At This Tangle Of Thorns

Some people cut off all their hair when they want a fresh start. Some move away, or go some place different - which can also be seen as running. Some break off relationships or give up bad habits.

I like my hair, and I don’t like much regarding myself. I’ve tried running, and it hasn’t worked. I’ve broken off communication with damaging people, and I’m continually trying to give up bad habits.

If someone tells you something enough times, you start to believe it. I’m trying to tell myself I’m worth something, I’m deserving, I’m beautiful, I’m strong and I’m important. I feel the need to rid my past, I hate that it’s so impossible to escape from and often becomes who you are.

Here begins, once and for all, a new beginning.

A Pirate's Life For Me.

Lately.

My life's become somewhat one that resembles something from a movie. I spend my week days either on my own chain smoking with or without the company of others, or watching television and writing out recipes, or sporadically cruising the streets and running errands with my friend, Cass. More recently I've been assisting her in moving house.

I spend my afternoons with my boyfriend and we regularly attend the cinemas, watching so many films only the best of the best are still in my memory. We drive places, I make him food, we lay in bed and talk for hours, we have a sex-life Russell Brand pre-marriage would be envious of and we fall more in love with eachother every single day.
Sometimes we drive out to the weir, or nearby country towns and eat ice-cream, listen to our music with our windows down, stop to look at the house lights and talk and laugh.

My social life is actually in existance and alcohol often enters my system... maybe too much in some circumstances.

I'm starting to feel like my life's getting on track again, and then I am reminded by my medications, rehabilitation facility, countless struggles, feelings of worthlessness, scars and people, that this is a life long thing I'm going to have to deal with. But, for the first time, I feel like I am able to deal with it.

It was mother's day recently, and everyone was talking about the amazing day they're having with their loved ones... that's hard. It's hard not having a family, especially because they're not dead. They're just not worth having around.

Friday night Tom and I went to a party, we were one of the last people there. Towards the end when half the people had left, the remainding people sat by the fire and we shared stories about the birthday boy. When it was Tom's turn he said one of the best things about having met him was that he'd introduced him to the 'love of his life' and walked over to kiss me in front of everyone. I will never forget that moment.

Everyday I think about my past and the people in it, and every morning and every night when I'm taking my pills I am reminded about how I almost didn't make it. Before, I'd believe I had no future and I was just existing, waiting for the day I was finally going to be rid of all this pain. Now, I think about going to bed and falling asleep with Thomas and how I have a warm bed to wake up in, how I have friends who love me and how perhaps I will be happy some day. I think about how lucky I am to have Thomas and how without him, I wouldn't believe in a future. Today, I can see a future and I can see one with him, and I can see happiness.

Only Boring People Get Bored

Plait every strand of your hair. Make shapes out of clouds. Consume a whole pack of laxatives... and wait.

Buy condoms for all your friends. Sneak out. Dance around in your underwear - with or without your blinds open.

Chain smoke. Make yourself throw up. Stuff a whole piece of bread in your mouth and try and eat it in less than a minute.

Read your old journals. Start a journal. Discover if your parents still smoke pot.

Play blood knuckles. Try on every piece of clothing in your wardrobe. Clean out your wardrobe.

Rotate your furniture. Move your bed in another direction. Go through every isle in your supermarket.

Make paper airplanes. Write a letter and put it in someone's mail box. Squeeze your boyfriend's pimples.

How To Lose Friends And Scare People PART TWO

1. Don't brush your teeth every day.

2. Skip showers.

3. Talk to your 'friends' on facebook every single time they log on with nothing important to say.

4. Talk about Neighbours or Home and Away

5. Carry a knife everywhere and making an effort to make sure everyone knows about it.

6. Hold eye contact for too long.

7. Have an unclean house.

8. Only talk to people when you want something.

9. Conspicuously (or even inconspicuously) flirt with people's boyfriends/girlfriends.

10. Cheat.

11. Constantly talk about your sex life.

12. Hate small children.

13. Own a loud and obnoxious dog

14. Hunch over your drink in the bar looking everyone up and down.

15. Be one of those 'cat people' who despise 'dog people'.

Totally Sweet Advice PART SEVEN

1. Candles are fun and they smell nice! They totally set so many different moods of your choice too! Just be caareful with them, they do involve fires (see Google images to see how disastrous that stuff can be!)

2. Confrontation is often healthy, fun, exciting, needed and nasty. But, do it. Get it over with, just don't play the 'blame game' if it's with someone you care about.

3. Sometimes you've got to give a bit of yourself to a new friend/person in your life even if you're not exactly sure if they're trustworthy or not. It's hard and frightening and I know you've been betrayed in the past (I mean, who hasn't!), but it's gotta be done in order to get somewhere. I'm sorry if this backfires and said person hurts you and is just another monster to hurt your feelings and dent your trust in humanity... but, try it. One of these days you'll meet someone who makes you feel worthy and whom you feel you can tell absolutely anything to. And, without being hurt a little first and taking these risks, you will never find them.

4. Relationships are about taking risks and oftentimes you'll be scared to death but more excited and alive and happy than you've ever felt. Ever. It's just part of the ride or whatever they say, and you should let go and put your guards down and enjoy every moment of it. Who says it won't last? Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But, while it IS happening, let it happen and let it happen completely and 100%. Enjoy it! (I say this as I stare at myself in the mirror right now!

5. Okay, I know we all say at some point in our lives 'I'm never drinking again', because during the events of some crazy wild night, you went out and embarrassed yourself in front of everyone. Plus, you felt like crap. I also know, that this only lasts a short while for most people, but seriously, maybe you should write down your feelings toward that night and read them before you go out next. You don't want to forget them, because often we really truly DO forget exactly how bad we felt/were. I'm not saying never to drink again, but watch yourself! You're on your own when you're a repeat offender.

6. Don't flirt/touch/lean in too far/giggle too loudly with/to someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend. ESPECIALLY in front of them you unclassy whorebag.

7. If you're the youngest person at a party/gathering, you're not allowed to be the loudest or most opinionated person there. They will not like you.

8. It's fucking winter so fucking drink hot chocolate and eat hot soup!

9. We all know someone who's going through an extremely hard time, and it could very well be something you feel you cannot relate to or give advice on. But, instead of not asking how they are/bringing the topic up, to avoid awkwardness or running out of comforting words, you probably should. You'll find they'll more than likely appreciate you acknowledging their hardships and showing you care, than  pretending nothing's changed!

10. People are stubborn and throughout life you'll have falling outs with people you care about, and sometimes you will know you're not the one in the wrong or the one who should be apologising first... but, the other person is too stubborn, and probably a little embarrassed, to be the first one to approach the other. That's when, you have to choose between losing them over whatever the falling out was about, or sucking it up and approaching them because you're the less stubborn/more mature one and gradually forgiving their stupidity.

11. If someone lets you into their house, don't steal their shit. Duh. Wait... you shouldn't steal ANYONE'S stuff.