Times they are a changing.

I just completed a huge shop preparing myself for my move tomorrow.
I find it hard to swallow how much is about to change. Browsing the isles by myself looking for washing liquid, tea towels, knives and cheap but decent food to survive on.
Come tomorrow, Monday the 6th of December, 2010 at approximately 8:30am, I will be a changed person. Well, my life will certainly be changed, thus creating change in myself. I will have to build and maintain healthy relationships with others and form a positive social life so I don't die of introspection (it could totally happen), I will have to learn to budget, cook and clean, look after myself, entertain myself, educate myself and enter into a whole new world. I will have to plan ahead, how I am to get from A to B, remember all my appointments (Oh, goodness, I may even have to keep a little diary with all the things I need to remember written in it!) and I will now have to consider myself an adult. Completely independent (minus the rehab staff if assistance is required).

On Tuesday, rehab is going camping for three days with two other rehab groups from around Victoria. I haven't been camping in 10 years or so and I don't even know these people I will be eating with, sleeping with, talking with and participating in activities with. I'm looking forward to it.

Although I don't wish months in hospital, refuges, police stations, park benches or rehab to anyone, there is a positive in having to be thrown into a group of random people to live amongst (all with very big issues). It's something like living in the Big Brother house. Only, instead of cameras there are people watching you constantly. I consider myself a shy, awkward and introverted person who finds it very difficult to develop relationships with people and talking to others. You discover a lot about yourself. You have to work out where you fit in, you find out your people skills, how others view you, if you're easy to get along with, if you're a leader or like to take the backseat. You find out a lot about who you are, and I really value those experiences.

So, here's to the new me. A new life. And hopefully, a happy one.

Thanks for being a lesbian, Mum.

If I had a female bestfriend…

We would make pancakes together in our underwear and make sure we were watching how much the other ate so neither one of us totally gets fat! Because there’d be no jealously, we wouldn’t be competing against eachother, we’d be supporting eachother. Be one another’s rock and go for walks and make sushi together and things.

We’d have rituals, like… oh, fuck I don’t know. I’ve never had a TRUE bestfriend who’s female, but I’ve been craving one lately. All my close friends are males and to be honest, it gets quite tedious not having a girlfriend to do girl things with!

We’d take in turns who was to get up and turn off movies, we’d sleep in the same bed and cuddle (BUT THERE’D BE ZERO, ZERO AWKWARD LESBIAN VIBES!). We’d be so close that people may SUSPECT we’re lesbians AT FIRST, but then totally get that we’re not and end up envying our friendship and even trying to sabotage it! Which will just make us closer and have something to bitch and laugh about later on. Oh, and I repeat, there’d be no awkward lesbian vibes between the two of us. Because I hate when you become close to a female and they tell you they’re straight but you still get those vibes, ya know? I mean, no biggie if my new bestfriend WAS a lesbian, as long as no feelings for me were to occur. That's not cool.
When one of us needed to go to the bathroom at night, we’d wake the other up and we wouldn’t even be scared that they’d be upset, because it’d be OUR THING. Like, we’d enjoy going together to be nice, because that’s what nice friends do.

We’d go to parties together, but only if we had mutual friends or we were going to feel naked without the other. Like, it wouldn’t be essential for me to take my bestfriend to a party I was going to with unmutual friends and know I’d be comfortable. We wouldn’t feel bad about doing things without the other… as long as it wasn’t like behind their back and in secret!

We’d call more than we text. But, we’d text when we’re on dates or in a stupid movie and we NEED to contact eachother, but can’t call.

We’d share makeup and give eachother beauty tips, because like I said, we’re not into bringing one another down, we wanna rise up together.

We’d like the same music and be perfectly comfortable sitting in one of our bedrooms just listening to a mix cd on repeat for endless hours, browsing through magazines, laying with our heads to the ceiling…  talking isn’t always required!

We’re on the same page with boys. We know who likes which guy and again, no jealousy! Instead we’ll sit and scheme the outfit which will look best for our date, or the pros and cons (without lying to try and scheme them out of liking the guy they do because they happen to be major hotties and they just happened to scout them first). Oh, and if a guy's a total arse we can tell eachother. “Hey, I think he’s a fucking prick. He’s so pretentious and boring, you can do better” And what I mean by “you can do better” is that YOU REALLY CAN DO BETTER. No fucking mindgames here.

If some bitch is being a fucking bitch to the other, we sit and bitch and laugh about it over a sleepover. I don’t want a mean and vengeful bestfriend, we have to have the same morals. But, she is by no means allowed to like this stupid bitch. Ignoring her is fine!

We can have sex with guys and then talk about it and cry/laugh and not judge. We’d be the first to know if an abortion clinic was needed to be phoned by the other.

We’re always available for eachother at any time if something goes wrong. Midnight phone calls will not result in a bitchy “What do you want?”

Boyfriends are not off limits. We can be bestfriends and dating someone too. Duh.

Must like coffee.

Must stick with me through my psychotic episodes and be extremely, extremely mentally strong. I want someone I can call up, instead of some stupid suicide line or the police or ambulance, when something goes wrong, and have faith that they’ll know the right thing to do.

If only I even knew how to talk to girls without feeling intimidated!

Unlike Amy Winehouse, I'm actually going to go

As of Monday I will be entering a residential rehab facility. I'm extremely looking forward to it.

By entering, I am hoping to:

- Work towards recovery (which doesn't mean getting better, but dealing and moving forwards)
- Make amazing friends with the residents and staff (they're all so great!)
- Not become a chain smoker like the others there
- Budget and save money
- Shop wisely, cook greatly
- Maintain and develop relationships and a positive social life
- Talk about my problems more
- Developing skills to assist in my recovery
- Find a full-time job
- Deal with issues more
- Move on from certain things
- Becoming 100% independent
- Decorate my room all lovely like
- Keep my house clean
- Call somewhere home (hopefully rehab as I may be there for two years)

- Be comfortable with public transport
- Discover more about myself

Right in all the wrong ways

I don't seem to mold into your body the same way as him and I once did. I know your kisses are different.
You stroke my hair from different angles. Your scent of morning breath is unfamiliar.
You sleep in tank tops, we slept together in t-shirts.
You call me 'hun', he called me 'baby'. His music taste was awful, yours and mine are just the same.
Your social skills and friends are different. I like your arms. A lot.
You are kinder than he was, you are much more suited for loving. But I will do bad by you, as he did bad by me.
I ought to love you, I know I'll try. But when it all comes down to it, you're not him. And when we're laying there at night, my head upon your chest, it's not your heartbeat I'm hearing, but one from another life.
You are not like him. I loved him first.