Time to do some soul-searching... again. That's what they call it right? 'Soul-searching'. Looking to discover and uncover who you are? A journey to find out where you stand. What you want. What you really think. You know, the big things?
Where do you look? Inside yourself? Your reflections of the outside world? In other people? Can you ever fully discover your own self? Because, I swear they say we're always changing. And by 'they', I do mean ME aswell! Who are 'they' anyway... ? We're all almost as ignorant as one another... chuck in a life experience and different genes here and there. "There is no truth. Only perception" Gustave Flaubert said that.
I'm sick of riding in the moment. They told us it's the best thing to do when you're sick. Head sick. And this time, by 'they', I do not mean 'me'. They say it's the best thing to do, period. Live in the moment. What about when the moment becomes faded, and ends up being one big moment? Just gliding through life. Swaying, even.
No, this is time for reflection. I'm fed-up with always second guessing myself and being unaware of my thoughts and feelings and reactions. I don't know who I am, I thought I did. I also thought it just came to you. One day, you wake up and just know who you are. Now, I'm starting to think maybe I have to search for it a bit. Find out what I'm thinking by asking myself what it is I'm thinking... Taking notes on how I feel/behave/think in every day life and situations, instead of just riding the moment out and later on thinking "Fuck, why did I do that?".
Where do you look? Inside yourself? Your reflections of the outside world? In other people? Can you ever fully discover your own self? Because, I swear they say we're always changing. And by 'they', I do mean ME aswell! Who are 'they' anyway... ? We're all almost as ignorant as one another... chuck in a life experience and different genes here and there. "There is no truth. Only perception" Gustave Flaubert said that.
I'm sick of riding in the moment. They told us it's the best thing to do when you're sick. Head sick. And this time, by 'they', I do not mean 'me'. They say it's the best thing to do, period. Live in the moment. What about when the moment becomes faded, and ends up being one big moment? Just gliding through life. Swaying, even.
No, this is time for reflection. I'm fed-up with always second guessing myself and being unaware of my thoughts and feelings and reactions. I don't know who I am, I thought I did. I also thought it just came to you. One day, you wake up and just know who you are. Now, I'm starting to think maybe I have to search for it a bit. Find out what I'm thinking by asking myself what it is I'm thinking... Taking notes on how I feel/behave/think in every day life and situations, instead of just riding the moment out and later on thinking "Fuck, why did I do that?".
I have a set of values, as we all do. Everyone's values are different and they're based upon something we all experience, Life. Most times, we don't get to actually choose what it is we do experience in life, but here's to hoping we can choose whether or not to make the most of it. To discover who we are and become better people because of our lives.
I know that one of my values is making people feel good. I don't want people, anyone, to feel the pain I have felt before. I realise this is out of my control, and many people have felt/are feeling pain much worse. But, I want to wake up everyday and trust that my actions are not going to upset people, that they may indeed make people feel good. I'd like that. But, of course, just because you want something and would like for it to happen, it doesn't mean it will. I will have to make a conscious effort in every day living, to not let the negative and unhappy forming actions and thoughts get in the way. It'll take effort and time to begin with, but someday I hope I can wake up and not think about it. To live and interact and not have to think about which road I should take to reach my desired outcome; pleasant feelings (even happiness!).
I hope to someday be able to TRUST MYSELF (woah, they'll be good days!) and just know that I am fully capable and good at staying true to my values.
Of course, that is just one value. I have a lot of self discovery to go. But hey, one step at a time.
Of course, that is just one value. I have a lot of self discovery to go. But hey, one step at a time.
I want to be the best version of me I can be! To quit hating myself, because really, it's not as fun as it looks. I hate doing something impulsively, trusting that what I'm doing is the right thing in the moment, to then fast-forward and reflect and hate what I've chosen to do/say. I need to LIVE IN THE MOMENT, but also reflect. The past effects the future, for sure! When I am living in the moment, I want to be aware of my thought processes/how things are making me feel and take control of my next action. When reflecting, I hope to eventually minimise having to reflect, and not get caught up in the past!
I'm going to write down my values, pay more attention, reflect, acknowledge and CHANGE who I am/the way I think/what I do. To create who I want to be. To have hope I can actually do so.
I'd like to take this moment to apologise to anyone I've hurt in the past. That has never been my intention. Perhaps you'll take comfort in knowing I only ended up hurting myself.
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