Thanks for being a lesbian, Mum.

If I had a female bestfriend…

We would make pancakes together in our underwear and make sure we were watching how much the other ate so neither one of us totally gets fat! Because there’d be no jealously, we wouldn’t be competing against eachother, we’d be supporting eachother. Be one another’s rock and go for walks and make sushi together and things.

We’d have rituals, like… oh, fuck I don’t know. I’ve never had a TRUE bestfriend who’s female, but I’ve been craving one lately. All my close friends are males and to be honest, it gets quite tedious not having a girlfriend to do girl things with!

We’d take in turns who was to get up and turn off movies, we’d sleep in the same bed and cuddle (BUT THERE’D BE ZERO, ZERO AWKWARD LESBIAN VIBES!). We’d be so close that people may SUSPECT we’re lesbians AT FIRST, but then totally get that we’re not and end up envying our friendship and even trying to sabotage it! Which will just make us closer and have something to bitch and laugh about later on. Oh, and I repeat, there’d be no awkward lesbian vibes between the two of us. Because I hate when you become close to a female and they tell you they’re straight but you still get those vibes, ya know? I mean, no biggie if my new bestfriend WAS a lesbian, as long as no feelings for me were to occur. That's not cool.
When one of us needed to go to the bathroom at night, we’d wake the other up and we wouldn’t even be scared that they’d be upset, because it’d be OUR THING. Like, we’d enjoy going together to be nice, because that’s what nice friends do.

We’d go to parties together, but only if we had mutual friends or we were going to feel naked without the other. Like, it wouldn’t be essential for me to take my bestfriend to a party I was going to with unmutual friends and know I’d be comfortable. We wouldn’t feel bad about doing things without the other… as long as it wasn’t like behind their back and in secret!

We’d call more than we text. But, we’d text when we’re on dates or in a stupid movie and we NEED to contact eachother, but can’t call.

We’d share makeup and give eachother beauty tips, because like I said, we’re not into bringing one another down, we wanna rise up together.

We’d like the same music and be perfectly comfortable sitting in one of our bedrooms just listening to a mix cd on repeat for endless hours, browsing through magazines, laying with our heads to the ceiling…  talking isn’t always required!

We’re on the same page with boys. We know who likes which guy and again, no jealousy! Instead we’ll sit and scheme the outfit which will look best for our date, or the pros and cons (without lying to try and scheme them out of liking the guy they do because they happen to be major hotties and they just happened to scout them first). Oh, and if a guy's a total arse we can tell eachother. “Hey, I think he’s a fucking prick. He’s so pretentious and boring, you can do better” And what I mean by “you can do better” is that YOU REALLY CAN DO BETTER. No fucking mindgames here.

If some bitch is being a fucking bitch to the other, we sit and bitch and laugh about it over a sleepover. I don’t want a mean and vengeful bestfriend, we have to have the same morals. But, she is by no means allowed to like this stupid bitch. Ignoring her is fine!

We can have sex with guys and then talk about it and cry/laugh and not judge. We’d be the first to know if an abortion clinic was needed to be phoned by the other.

We’re always available for eachother at any time if something goes wrong. Midnight phone calls will not result in a bitchy “What do you want?”

Boyfriends are not off limits. We can be bestfriends and dating someone too. Duh.

Must like coffee.

Must stick with me through my psychotic episodes and be extremely, extremely mentally strong. I want someone I can call up, instead of some stupid suicide line or the police or ambulance, when something goes wrong, and have faith that they’ll know the right thing to do.

If only I even knew how to talk to girls without feeling intimidated!