Out With The Old, In With The New.

Dear Current Kaytie (as of February 28, 2011 at 10:19 AM),


I'm sorry but I cannot go on like this. I've had enough of you. Of us. I must end this damaging relationship with you, even if it kills me. I wish to never, ever see you again.


All you seem to do is bring me down. I hate you. I hate who you are and who you've become and I hate where you're headed. So, I'm giving you the flick. There's someone else. And, I know they're so similar to you and right now they're far away, but I find comfort in knowing they will be here soon if I just try hard enough. I will work hard for them. New and improved. Out with the old and in with the new.


I mean, this thing you do where you eat carbs. What is that? You think with your medications and illnesses and everything else going on in your life that if you eat the way you do you won't get fat(er)?! Seriously. I would say you must be insane, but we already know that you are. Stop. Just stop that. The New Kaytie is going to look nothing like you. You know why? Because New Kaytie doesn't eat carbs. New Kaytie doesn't really eat anything. But hey, that's the price you've got to pay when you're as mentally unstable as she is and as drug infected as her insides. What she loses in consumption, she makes up for with Pride.
Pride. Now there's a word you (Current Kaytie), haven't heard much of.


Your life involves disappointment, insecurities, calories, depression, pills, dependency, worry, stress, lies, voids and secrets. It's no way to live.
I mean, sure. It may have been fun for a little while, and hell, you learnt A LOT. But you can't go on like this.
I hate you... but then again, I don't and I never will, because you've played such a big role in my life. I've learnt a lot from you, but the pain you're causing is just all too much for me right now. I suppose I'm sorry to leave you in the dark like this. I know I'm all you had and survived on, but maybe we're better off without eachother...


I hope you understand that although I'm leaving you because you're too much trouble for me, that I do understand. I really do.


Your life's been hard and you've been dealt horrendous cards. Your so-called family are nowhere to be seen and you're on your own. You always have been. But, instead of trusting yourself and gaining confidence and respect for yourself out of your independency, you've doubted who you are and lost all confidence and respect for yourself. The New Kaytie is proud, confident and respectable because of having to learn to look after herself.


You've been dictated by your illnesses, by the people who are supposed to 'look after you', fueled by your much hated pills and lies. It sucks, and you've ended up feeling worthless and dead. But New Kaytie wants to learn to move on from this, and take what she's learnt to teach herself and others. Because, you have learnt so much more than you give yourself credit for. You know so much. How could you not?


I know you have never felt like you belonged and fitted in amongst the others, and that's because you haven't and probably never will. You've seen too much. You know too much. You weren't even bred to be like everybody else. But this is something you repel instead of embrace. The New Kaytie embraces her differences and inability to be completely understood. 


And this thing you do. You know, where you push others away and are extremely insecure and won't let anyone in and you keep secrets and you take everything the wrong way, and you test people. I know that all your life you've been made to feel like you're not worth it, that everyone you let in and trusted has hurt you, that you've been alone and no one has really shown you proper love and been worthy of your complete trust. But this New Kaytie is learning to trust again, to try and allow herself to open up and love people. To not take everything so personally and be so goddamn insecure. Because, she is in the process of learning that no two people are the same. And maybe, just maybe she can be loved, properly. That maybe, not everyone dislikes her. That some people really would never say something badly of her, or bring her down. Because they believe she's great and worthy of good things. That they're here to help. Maybe even here to stay for a long, long time. Maybe they're the kind of people who she's read about, or seen in the streets, or heard about from happy people. Maybe they're the happy givers, bringing happiness to her, if only she learns to trust them and believe what they have to say is real and coming from their hearts.


I really do understand why you're such a mess, but the mess has gotten too messy. The New Kaytie will clean your mess right up. She contains mess too, but the nice mess. The mess that makes her so great. The mess that is apart of the greatness she is capable of becoming.
That's the kind of mess I need. Not your big, fat, ugly mess.


I need someone who will support me, make me feel worthy, who is fun and playful and confident but also witty and intelligent and honest. I need someone like this New Kaytie.
She is what I need. What my friends need. What strangers need to feel refreshed. And what my boyfriend deserves.
I can't wait until she arrives.


She doesn't talk too much or reveal too much. The mystery is still there (which I should reveal I will miss about you), but it's different. It's a healthier mystery.


She very rarely swears. Only when she hurts herself badly, or she's really, really mad. But when she's mad, she barely loses herself. She breathes and conducts herself and listens and talks openly. She faces her issues and deals with them honestly. Until they're resolved. But, it won't matter so much too, because she rarely does find herself arguing these days.


New Kaytie is learning to not be so defensive and insecure. To focus more on the good of what people have to say, than the bad. And if something SOUNDS bad, but she's not entirely sure, instead of just ASSUMING it IS bad, she'll ask. Or let it go. And because this New Kaytie is so much better than you, she will very rarely hear bad things said about her anyway.


The vibes she throws are always good, but not forced or fake. Just, people enjoy being in her presence. I'm sure it has something to do with her new-found confidence. She smiles at strangers and when someone in the streets says "Hi", or smiles, or gives her a compliment (as long as it's not sleazy), she doesn't just keep walking or force a smile. Even if she would never associate herself with the people who have smiled or spoken to her, and even though she has a boyfriend, she still embraces their efforts and makes them know she appreciates their kindness.


"Fake it until you make it", is something we all know works. New Kaytie is taking advantage of this and portraying confidence and happiness. She's aware of the thin lines between confidence and cockiness, and happiness and fakeness... she's aware. No cockiness and no forced/fake happiness will occur. She'll just be easy-going and fun to be around. Confident people - faked or not - are always more beautiful and alluring anyway. She'll give off the illusion she's beautiful, which for now is as good as any, as she's working on the beauty thing (see three down). Oh, and she never walks with her arms folded because this screams "INSECURE". Maybe she'll never make it, and she'll never have real confidence and/or happiness. But, if she can fool everyone else into believing these things, maybe that'll be enough. Maybe she'll start to believe it, if only for a little while. And, New Kaytie is okay with that. Pretend Happiness is more appealing to her than you could all realise. Probably very appealing to you too, right Current Kaytie?


Taking the easiest route is not an option. It's about the outcome. New Kaytie isn't afraid anymore, and is willing to fight for the best she can get.


Cleanliness is something which can always be seen in her house, her room and herself. But, at the same time she doesn't get all worked up about the dishes and floors like you do.


She's beautiful... well, she's getting there. I must say, I do love your hair, Current Kaytie. And, I hope you don't mind that New Kaytie has the same style. New Kaytie always looks her best. Her fat days are kept to herself, because she's realised no one notices these things unless you point them out. She's learnt to focus on her positives and not her negatives, but all the while working on her negatives. She's learning to be in control of herself. Although calories still play an important role in her life, she doesn't talk about them non-stop. Because seriously! It annoys her, imagine how much it annoys others. This is all kept to herself, she will get there. She's in the process of it.


Breaking her bad habits of biting her nails, giving orders, lying, being too secretive, worrying about everything, overthinking everything and eating.


She always does what she says she will and never moans when asked for help.


New Kaytie minds her own business and is never labelled as a 'mean' or 'bitchy' person because she's never seen looking badly at people, judging others or talking about other people (unless with her boyfriend, who is the exception so she can let out all her bottled up angst!). She minds her own business, always.


She's learning to stop worrying what everyone else thinks of her, because she can't change how they feel about her.


Calm down and breathe... not something you would know much about, Current Kaytie. But New Kaytie has it all down pat.


Speaking about her feelings and what's on her mind and always being honest, is something she always does. She's learnt, unlike you, that things work best this way and people appreciate her openess.


Friends are something I know you have neglected, Current Kaytie. New Kaytie takes chances and sees people and friends willingly. I mean, she knows the worst that could happen is they wind up having an awful time together, they go home and never see one another again. Which is how it seems to be with you anyway.

She's trying to come to terms with the simple fact that she is loved by someone very special, her boyfriend. That he deserves the best, and that she must look after herself and give him what he deserves. The very best.


Last, but not least New Kaytie is accepting her past. Yes, she might not ever have fancy things because she was unable to finish school. Yes, she is not like anyone else she knows, she's different. Yes, she has a whole mountain of emotional baggage and secrets. And yes, she has had to learn things and face things no one should. But, it's who she is and it can be a great thing or a terrible thing, depending on what you make of it. She plans on using her knowledge and wisdom and individuality for better things. To do good.


I know she can do this, this is why I'm allowing her into my life. You know I don't deal well with failure or letdowns. I have to trust her, like she has to trust me. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain... apart from KGs.


However, Current Kaytie, there are some things about you which I am glad New Kaytie mirrors.


Your style, wittiness and open mind.


Your morals, too. However, New Kaytie always puts them into play. Always. Therefore, she will have no guilt if she does not follow a simple ethical belief.


And, especially your boyfriend, Thomas. He deserves the best, that is mostly why I've broken up with you for New Kaytie. She is what he needs. I know it's hard for her to realise that someone so great can love her, all of her. And, she asks herself all the time (way too much, infact), why it is this man has chosen her and does love her, exactly the way she is. But, she knows it's time to stop questioning his reasons and just accept that she's one lucky motherfucker to even just have him in her life, let alone as her partner.
She's learning to trust him, to trust he loves her and plans to stay. And, maybe he won't stay, there is no guarantee. But, she is aware of this and her problem lies with the fact that she is waiting for him to leave, just like everyone else has. But, he's not like everyone else. Not even almost. Not in the slightest. He's special, he's different and he's all hers. And maybe, just maybe, he will stay. Maybe he won't leave. And this is why she must be the best version of herself that she can be. To give him everything he deserves.
She loves him. Truly. And, for the first time in a long time, she knows that he too, loves her. Truly.


I hope you understand why this couldn't work out.


You'll always be a part of me.


To new and to better things!


xoxo