Life's no fun if you're always having fun.

All my life I've found it difficult to accept a lot of things.
Why does religion cause so much trouble? Why would some rather spend money on luxuries than helping create world peace? Why do some people care more about sports than humanity? Why does that woman think that skirt looks good on her?
You know, all those types of things. But mostly I've found it difficult accepting a lot of things within myself.
Why is all this happening to me? What have I done to make these people treat me this way? Why do I do the things I do? Why hasn't anyone helped me with this? Why can't I see myself like other people see me? Am I a bad person? Did I do the right thing? What is my purpose? Why am I even trying? Why did I eat that extra piece of chocolate cake and spend my money on that dress I'm going to wear once?

Lately, I've realised I've got to stop fighting against myself. I'm not going to be who I wish to become overnight. It'll take work and that's what life's about. Living and learning. I'm still doing both!
I'm controlling, bitchy, insecure, unorganised, worrysome, secretive, strong-willed, opinionated, insane, intelligent, stubborn, erratic, a little strange and I ricochete between independency and dependency.
It's who I am and yeah, some of it fucking sucks but really, if I COULD change these core traits, would I really even want to? It adds character and withouth them, I'd be boring. I can eventually tidy myself up around the edges and hopefully someday be, the best version of ME I can be, but I'll always be stubborn, controlling, strong-willed and brought down by past demons, but I have to accept those things and trust that the people who love me, actually enjoy my little difficulties.

So, I've decided not to be so hard on myself and take every day as it comes and I hope to gradually become content with who I am. I no longer expect to wake up and have everything be different and just how I want.


I apologise for not posting recently, I've been far too busy but also far too unmotivated. I'm learning new lessons every single day and admittedly, I usually detest this fact. The lessons are difficult, draining and I curse them and wish for them to disappear... but if I take a step back like I have today (after a horrible night) and look at the overall picture, I'm thankful for these distressing occurences. Right now, I'm growing and every day I'm getting closer to whom I wish to be. I know exactly what I want. I'm aware of my faults and I'm learning to accept them and work with them so they're not so faulty. I'm learning a lot about other people and how they work and I'm learning more about the world we live in.

Life's certainly not easy for anyone, and I'm not even sure if there's a big point to it. Sometimes I wonder why things can hurt so much when I feel so insignificant and useless. But, the thing is, they do hurt and they hurt so, so much that I cannot possible ignore them and push them away, putting them down as something to be swept away. Emotions can't be ignored and the way things make me feel can't be ignored and they are meaningful. But, they're not negative. They can't all be negative...