My life's become somewhat one that resembles something from a movie. I spend my week days either on my own chain smoking with or without the company of others, or watching television and writing out recipes, or sporadically cruising the streets and running errands with my friend, Cass. More recently I've been assisting her in moving house.
I spend my afternoons with my boyfriend and we regularly attend the cinemas, watching so many films only the best of the best are still in my memory. We drive places, I make him food, we lay in bed and talk for hours, we have a sex-life Russell Brand pre-marriage would be envious of and we fall more in love with eachother every single day.
Sometimes we drive out to the weir, or nearby country towns and eat ice-cream, listen to our music with our windows down, stop to look at the house lights and talk and laugh.
My social life is actually in existance and alcohol often enters my system... maybe too much in some circumstances.
I'm starting to feel like my life's getting on track again, and then I am reminded by my medications, rehabilitation facility, countless struggles, feelings of worthlessness, scars and people, that this is a life long thing I'm going to have to deal with. But, for the first time, I feel like I am able to deal with it.
It was mother's day recently, and everyone was talking about the amazing day they're having with their loved ones... that's hard. It's hard not having a family, especially because they're not dead. They're just not worth having around.
Friday night Tom and I went to a party, we were one of the last people there. Towards the end when half the people had left, the remainding people sat by the fire and we shared stories about the birthday boy. When it was Tom's turn he said one of the best things about having met him was that he'd introduced him to the 'love of his life' and walked over to kiss me in front of everyone. I will never forget that moment.
Everyday I think about my past and the people in it, and every morning and every night when I'm taking my pills I am reminded about how I almost didn't make it. Before, I'd believe I had no future and I was just existing, waiting for the day I was finally going to be rid of all this pain. Now, I think about going to bed and falling asleep with Thomas and how I have a warm bed to wake up in, how I have friends who love me and how perhaps I will be happy some day. I think about how lucky I am to have Thomas and how without him, I wouldn't believe in a future. Today, I can see a future and I can see one with him, and I can see happiness.
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