I'm no wallflower.

I don't know who I am. I do know though, that since I picked up and completed my first book since hospital, I have felt different.
Successful. Content. Annoyed. Confused. Angered. Out of place. Disappointed. Depressed. Anxious. Agreeable... all at once.
'The Perks of being a Wallflower', I read it because I've been meaning to for quite a long time now. I haven't been reading because of my mind, my medication, my life, my everything. I've wanted to, but I haven't. Thank you, Stephen Chbosky for writing a book that was able to save/destroy (both?) my mind.
Anyway, I was once again reminded that by reading novels and feeding/stimulating your mind once again (especially after a long time), you change. Books/people/words, they change you. For good and for bad.
Maybe this is good? I've found I've been more in tune with my emotions.
A couple of old friends/enemies have reconnected with me, they've asked the usual questions one would probably ask after a long period of time without communication. However, my answers were not the same.
It made me realise what I really think of a couple of things.

I got talking after reconnecting with someone I used to know. She asked if I was still interested in photography. My reply was normal. It was no. I told her I hadn't been in years, since my first extended admission into hospital.
She of course, asked why I was in hospital. I told her why.

Someone I Used To Know, replies:  Oh dear that sounds terrible.
Well as long as your (sic) back on track now, thats (sic) the main thing, right?
I really admire you actually, whenever I see you you always seem so happy.

Me: You never asked if I were. I bet you may have thought I was back on track before. I've had to pretend my whole life that I'm okay because that's what people want to believe. Hence your questioning.
I'll never be okay, I've been told that. Happiness is not an option in my life, maybe someday I'll be content. Who knows.
All I know is that I'm different and in many ways I'm thankful.
And yes, that's what I want you to see. That I'm happy.
I may have moved and have a boyfriend, but where I've moved to is Rehab. Which I'm so thankful for. But, it gets lonely living in a place of your own with staff hasselling you to take your meds, to have to clean by yourself and have no phone calls from anyone because you know people don't understand you and it makes it almost impossible to maintain relationships with them. I have my boyfriend, but we're usually together. I have no family. I am alone, all in all.
Plus, I haven't had healthy relationships my whole life, I don't have a family, they have done everything a family isn't supposed to do. I hate them and they hate me. So, having a healthy relationship with my new boyfriend is almost impossible... but I'm trying. But then sometimes you wonder why you try when you were born this way and then thrown into the deep end with more and more horrible things to deal with. I was left by my parents and my family, so why won't I be left by Thomas? Guards never go down. I have to protect myself like I always have, which means never giving 100%.
No, things aren't 'back on track'. How can they be when I've never had a steady track to go back to? :)
Basically, I just ask you not to make assumptions about me. Ever. You only will see what I want you to see


Another old frenemy asked me how I was doing through a message via Facebook. My response?

Sorry, but I think you know that even if things are terrible I'm just going to say 'fine' and you're either going to believe me, or you're not, but either way you're just going to say, 'that's good then', and that's REALLY going to annoy me because I wish people didn't believe everything others told them. Especially people who you haven't talked to in a long, long time and then they expect that you're just going to REALLY tell them how you are.
How have you been, though?

 

 

I'm sick of myself. It may seem I'm sick of people... which I am. That's old news. And, I suppose I've been sick of myself for a long time too. But, this is a new sickness.